Get over your hill and see what you find there...

“Why do they always teach us that it's easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It's the hardest thing in the world--to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage. I mean, what we really want.” -Ayn Rand

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." -ee cummings

I feel as though I have lost sight of what is important in my life... or just life in general. I consider myself beyond blessed to have been able to attend Vanguard for freshman year. I created amazing memories and met even more amazing people. I believe it was necessary for me to see how God works, to find "myself", to learn and to know God in new ways. And leaving was hard... I now believe that it was the fear that I wouldn't come back. While at Vanguard there was nothing I wanted more. I didn't worry about money or how I was going to continue paying. I was just focusing on studying, going to chapel, late night In-N-Out and slurpee runs... But now that I'm NOT there...

I wonder if it is still what I want? The money issues that come with this are just... ridiculous. The stress. All of it. And I'm doing my best to believe that my God is a God of possibilities. And I absolutely believe in living a big life for him!

But what does a big life entail? What is MY purpose for HIS kingdom? I'm trying to figure out His will and... well it is still very difficult. Trying to figure out what I want while lining it up with His will is proving itself almost impossible.

So. I figure I find out what I want first. I love learning. But I don't even know what I want to do. And the bonds that I've made at school are amazing. There are pleanty of people, I know this for a fact, who are wanting and praying for me to come back. I want to go back for them. But there are also opportunities here that I wouldn't mind getting...
I hear people saying I belong at Vanguard... and while I might fit in well, be close with everyone, and love being there... I don't think that it is the only place here for me. I don't want to disappoint my friends at school. But I also don't want to chase after something that causes so much stress and burden. I feel like at school there's more opportunity to figure out what I want and who I'm going to meet and finding a fella. Yes, a fella. But I also don't mind living a simple life. My family's done it for centuries. I know there is a room at my sister and brother-in-laws house that they are willing to give me. They're going to need a babysitter. They don't even live in Lodi, which is a plus... but live in Ione. Around farms and hills and lakes.

What do I want? What does God want me to want? And how much time do I really have to figure this out?

Which brings me back to the first revelation: what matters? Life isn't about achieving that goal (while it is important). Life isn't about leaving to discover who you are (though it helps). And life is not about making a name for yourself (no matter how big your dreams are).
So... I ask the same question that has been repeated since the dawn of time... what is the meaning of life? What is the meaning of MY life? What is God would have me do? Be? Chase? I have a feeling this won't be answered in 6 weeks let alone a day.

(Advice, while not demanded, would be nice :))

Alice.

'Ello poppets. So, the main reason why I haven't posted a blog in a while is because I didn't want to post down and out stuff ya know? It's been difficult to wrap my head around things right now, and even more difficult to write (not that I've tried).

For me, it is really difficult to remember that I serve a BIG God. Who can make anything possible. I always tend to remember that "the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away." I've been wrestling with the thought that there's a chance that I may not return to Vanguard. I think about it so much that I begin to honestly BELIEVE that I won't be going back. And it's heart breaking. But more than that, it is confusing.

I began to really question and wonder what my ideas of a future are. What my dreams are. Where I'm going. I know, this could be easy... But it has really never been for me.

That's when nothing sounds more perfect than to live in the woods. Alone. Being all bohemian and mystical. With nothing to do but wonder and explore and worship.

I don't know what I want God to do anymore. Yes, I want him to do his will. But shouldn't I be working towards that too? And how can I when I don't know what it is?

Basically, I'm figuring out life. Me. God. Again... It never ends.

bear with me.

"I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God. I trust in God's unfailing love forever and ever."

Down to the nitty gritty: sometimes... all of the time... it's really hard for me to understand how I go to a private university. Because I've grown up without priveledge. All I ever remember my family doing is struggling and scrounging and worrying. And then I go to college? Ah. I don't get it. I'm constantly afraid that what was given to me will be taken away by lack of financial blessing. And that kind of ruins things ya know? I consider myself a cheerful, easy going, peaceful individual. And all of that can be over-shadowed the moment I think about money and the lack thereof. And when I start to worry and fix things, I always think: "I should do something!" But what more can I do?
I don't spend money on the unnessary.
I don't sit around the house allll of the time.
I work. Hard.
I applied for the loan at Wells Fargo (where it is now I have no idea).
I'm probably going to apply for a loan through Credit Union Student Loan.
All this to show God that I still want it and I am willing to go the distance. And I've realized that I'm not going back because of the people and memories there (although that is a major blessing), I FINALLY know a direction to go. And I'm so ready to run in that direction.
I do all these things. And I realize, the only thing I don't do enough of is prayer. How is it that prayer becomes so hard? Is it because we don't trust? Because it's hard to believe what we don't see?
Lord help me trust, help me see.

On that note, I ask you for prayer. I'll be praying too. I don't want to be faithless. I believe God has placed me at Vanguard. If in this time he tells me to go somewhere or stay here, in Lodi... I will listen. And obey. But I want/need to know that my financial situation can and will be taken care of and that I don't need to give up on dreaming.
-For what's left of my Sallie Mae tuition payment system to be paid off, so I can register for classes.
-For my loan to go through.
-Or... for a miracle to happen. Actually... all of the above would be miracles.


In growing up, I have learned what real riches are. I've learned about (and continue to learn about) sacrifice and pride and humbling onesself (whether or not I am myself. I see. I learn.) I've learned about family unity. I've learned about faith. I am learning that God provides. And loves to give. I will continue to believe. My life, my education, my future, my career, is for Him and are His.

"My life has been ordained."
"It's not the power of the curse- it's the power you give the curse." -Penelope

Star light, star bright.

"Silently, one by one, in the infinite meadows of heaven, blossomed the lovely stars, the forget-me-nots of the angels." -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (a favorite).

I had a moment last night. Okay, that sounds weird. Last night, feeling pretty stressed and fearful, I went outside with my iPod and just stood listening to Jesus music. I live in the country, so there were no people. No cars. No street lights. I just stood there in the driveway, leaning on the van, staring up into the heavens. I've always treasured the night sky. When I was 9 I asked for a telescope for Christmas. And guess what, I got one. It was about $40 and I loved it. I lived in town during that time and the town lights diluted the night sky more than I realized. Especially since I lived in an apartment complex. But that didn't stop me from taking it to the back porch and pointing it to anything bright I saw. I never got the hang of it. But thankfully, I still have it. Perhaps it will prove itself more useful in the country. Anything to get more of the created universe. The stars, the comets, the planets, the mysteries, most of all the proof of how magnificant God is. I love to be filled with awe and wonder. I'm a romantic in that sense.

And this is something I've always done. But now that I'm getting older... I do it even more. To be honest I haven't heard or felt God in a while. He's been hiding behind my stress, worry and fear. Or maybe I put him there. Regardless, I go outside at night to seek him. To connect with him. To find him. And when I see a shooting star... oh goodness! That is God's gift to me. I love them. And he knows that. So last night, fed up with the silence, I put on every Jesus song I could that I related to and that said the words I couldn't find.

I didn't hear God, but he gave me a shooting star, and I was flooded with hope once again. I realized that the love that I have for Vanguard was so large that it was covering the fact that it was a gift. When somebody gives us a gift, one that we've been wanting or is just fantastic, we don't sit and admire the gift (forever), we thank and admire the person who gave it to us! I've forgotten that. I've gotten so lost in enjoying and exalting my gift that I forgot that God gave it to me and I need to thank him, regularly for it. I can't put trust in the gift, I have to put trust in the one who gave it to me.

But it makes me wonder... if God is an "Indian Giver?" Ya know... gives a gift then takes it back? I'm afraid that for as long as I'm in college I will worry about payments and fiscal matters... and whether or not I'll make it to another semester. But, I learned last night that trusting God is the smartest thing I can do right now. Actually, trusting God is the smartest thing I can always do. Life lessons.