bear with me.

"I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God. I trust in God's unfailing love forever and ever."

Down to the nitty gritty: sometimes... all of the time... it's really hard for me to understand how I go to a private university. Because I've grown up without priveledge. All I ever remember my family doing is struggling and scrounging and worrying. And then I go to college? Ah. I don't get it. I'm constantly afraid that what was given to me will be taken away by lack of financial blessing. And that kind of ruins things ya know? I consider myself a cheerful, easy going, peaceful individual. And all of that can be over-shadowed the moment I think about money and the lack thereof. And when I start to worry and fix things, I always think: "I should do something!" But what more can I do?
I don't spend money on the unnessary.
I don't sit around the house allll of the time.
I work. Hard.
I applied for the loan at Wells Fargo (where it is now I have no idea).
I'm probably going to apply for a loan through Credit Union Student Loan.
All this to show God that I still want it and I am willing to go the distance. And I've realized that I'm not going back because of the people and memories there (although that is a major blessing), I FINALLY know a direction to go. And I'm so ready to run in that direction.
I do all these things. And I realize, the only thing I don't do enough of is prayer. How is it that prayer becomes so hard? Is it because we don't trust? Because it's hard to believe what we don't see?
Lord help me trust, help me see.

On that note, I ask you for prayer. I'll be praying too. I don't want to be faithless. I believe God has placed me at Vanguard. If in this time he tells me to go somewhere or stay here, in Lodi... I will listen. And obey. But I want/need to know that my financial situation can and will be taken care of and that I don't need to give up on dreaming.
-For what's left of my Sallie Mae tuition payment system to be paid off, so I can register for classes.
-For my loan to go through.
-Or... for a miracle to happen. Actually... all of the above would be miracles.


In growing up, I have learned what real riches are. I've learned about (and continue to learn about) sacrifice and pride and humbling onesself (whether or not I am myself. I see. I learn.) I've learned about family unity. I've learned about faith. I am learning that God provides. And loves to give. I will continue to believe. My life, my education, my future, my career, is for Him and are His.

"My life has been ordained."
"It's not the power of the curse- it's the power you give the curse." -Penelope