bear with me.

"I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God. I trust in God's unfailing love forever and ever."

Down to the nitty gritty: sometimes... all of the time... it's really hard for me to understand how I go to a private university. Because I've grown up without priveledge. All I ever remember my family doing is struggling and scrounging and worrying. And then I go to college? Ah. I don't get it. I'm constantly afraid that what was given to me will be taken away by lack of financial blessing. And that kind of ruins things ya know? I consider myself a cheerful, easy going, peaceful individual. And all of that can be over-shadowed the moment I think about money and the lack thereof. And when I start to worry and fix things, I always think: "I should do something!" But what more can I do?
I don't spend money on the unnessary.
I don't sit around the house allll of the time.
I work. Hard.
I applied for the loan at Wells Fargo (where it is now I have no idea).
I'm probably going to apply for a loan through Credit Union Student Loan.
All this to show God that I still want it and I am willing to go the distance. And I've realized that I'm not going back because of the people and memories there (although that is a major blessing), I FINALLY know a direction to go. And I'm so ready to run in that direction.
I do all these things. And I realize, the only thing I don't do enough of is prayer. How is it that prayer becomes so hard? Is it because we don't trust? Because it's hard to believe what we don't see?
Lord help me trust, help me see.

On that note, I ask you for prayer. I'll be praying too. I don't want to be faithless. I believe God has placed me at Vanguard. If in this time he tells me to go somewhere or stay here, in Lodi... I will listen. And obey. But I want/need to know that my financial situation can and will be taken care of and that I don't need to give up on dreaming.
-For what's left of my Sallie Mae tuition payment system to be paid off, so I can register for classes.
-For my loan to go through.
-Or... for a miracle to happen. Actually... all of the above would be miracles.


In growing up, I have learned what real riches are. I've learned about (and continue to learn about) sacrifice and pride and humbling onesself (whether or not I am myself. I see. I learn.) I've learned about family unity. I've learned about faith. I am learning that God provides. And loves to give. I will continue to believe. My life, my education, my future, my career, is for Him and are His.

"My life has been ordained."
"It's not the power of the curse- it's the power you give the curse." -Penelope

Star light, star bright.

"Silently, one by one, in the infinite meadows of heaven, blossomed the lovely stars, the forget-me-nots of the angels." -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (a favorite).

I had a moment last night. Okay, that sounds weird. Last night, feeling pretty stressed and fearful, I went outside with my iPod and just stood listening to Jesus music. I live in the country, so there were no people. No cars. No street lights. I just stood there in the driveway, leaning on the van, staring up into the heavens. I've always treasured the night sky. When I was 9 I asked for a telescope for Christmas. And guess what, I got one. It was about $40 and I loved it. I lived in town during that time and the town lights diluted the night sky more than I realized. Especially since I lived in an apartment complex. But that didn't stop me from taking it to the back porch and pointing it to anything bright I saw. I never got the hang of it. But thankfully, I still have it. Perhaps it will prove itself more useful in the country. Anything to get more of the created universe. The stars, the comets, the planets, the mysteries, most of all the proof of how magnificant God is. I love to be filled with awe and wonder. I'm a romantic in that sense.

And this is something I've always done. But now that I'm getting older... I do it even more. To be honest I haven't heard or felt God in a while. He's been hiding behind my stress, worry and fear. Or maybe I put him there. Regardless, I go outside at night to seek him. To connect with him. To find him. And when I see a shooting star... oh goodness! That is God's gift to me. I love them. And he knows that. So last night, fed up with the silence, I put on every Jesus song I could that I related to and that said the words I couldn't find.

I didn't hear God, but he gave me a shooting star, and I was flooded with hope once again. I realized that the love that I have for Vanguard was so large that it was covering the fact that it was a gift. When somebody gives us a gift, one that we've been wanting or is just fantastic, we don't sit and admire the gift (forever), we thank and admire the person who gave it to us! I've forgotten that. I've gotten so lost in enjoying and exalting my gift that I forgot that God gave it to me and I need to thank him, regularly for it. I can't put trust in the gift, I have to put trust in the one who gave it to me.

But it makes me wonder... if God is an "Indian Giver?" Ya know... gives a gift then takes it back? I'm afraid that for as long as I'm in college I will worry about payments and fiscal matters... and whether or not I'll make it to another semester. But, I learned last night that trusting God is the smartest thing I can do right now. Actually, trusting God is the smartest thing I can always do. Life lessons.