This is, yet again, another blog about relations. Let's just call it that. As I am getting older (gross), it is going to be near impossible to run away from this subject. I figure that I might as well write about it if it is going to baffle me so much. And while we're on that, I don't understand how it baffles me so much. It's not like I'm in the relationship world all of the time... I'm never in that world. And yet, here I am. I'm guessing the confusion may be the result of mixing cheesy love songs, romantic comedies, Mr. Darcy, the Bible, and what goes on in my actual life. And I could say that I'll stop listening to those pretty songs, stop watching the cute movies, realize that Mr. Darcy is fictional, only read the Bible, and see how my life turns out. But... how is that fun? And furthermore, I believe that much can be taken from themes in secular movies. All literature streams from the Bible... most themes I am led to believe as well. So I believe it is finding that balance... which I have also found out that that is all life is at times. 'Ere go...
I realize that I know a wide network of people. From the schools and work of Lodi, to the school and people of Costa Mesa, friends of friends, strangers... and yet I have no idea how one goes about meeting or "finding" (whatever that means) ones soul mate. Which makes me wonder if the idea of a soul mate is even true. I love the idea. In a sense it makes it easier- to know that somewhere there is only one. You don't have to shift through all these other guys and pick and choose... just one. And that one WILL come. But how do you know? My wish is that I just do. That he and I both just know. That way I can avoid the awkwardness (I doubt that; my whole life is awkward), the trust barriers, the getting to know blah blah. But I doubt that will happen. So how do you know? Hmm? Is it when they like the same stuff you like? Right down to your favorite color? Or you have a really intense connection? Or you had the same up bringing? What is it? I'm reminded of a dialogue between Prince Henry and Leonardo DaVinci in one of my favorite movies Ever After (told you... I'm sick):
Henry: Do you really think there is one perfect mate?
DaVinci: As a matter of fact, I do.
Henry: Well then how can you be certain to find them? And if you do find them, are they really the one for you or do you only think they are? And what happens if the person you're supposed to be with never appears, or, or she does, but you're too distracted to notice?
DaVinci: You learn to pay attention.
Henry: Then let's say God puts two people on Earth and they are lucky enough to find one another. But one of them gets hit by lightning. Well then what? Is that it? Or, perchance, you meet someone new and marry all over again. Is that the lady you're supposed to be with or was it the first? And if so, when the two of them were walking side by side were they both the one for you and you just happened to meet the first one first or, was the second one supposed to be first? And is everything just chance or are some things meant to be?
Davinci: You cannot leave everything to Fate, boy. She's got a lot to do. Sometimes you must give her a hand.
(might I mention, that, while I am writing this, my itunes was on shuffle and decided to play "One and Only" by Adele and "The One I'm Waiting For" by Relient K right after? Odd, just saying.)
So, as we can see, Henry is asking the same thing I ask. I know that not everything is chance... I know that God has had a plan for my life before I was formed. He has set everything in stone. And with that, I know that if he has set someone out for me that it will happen. However, I also know that we have choices. God has given us a mind to use... but I believe we cannot forget to use the heart with it. And we cannot use the heart seperate from the mind.
And maybe that is where we get confused... from the war of heart versus mind. At least, that's where it is at for me (and that is a seperate matter alone). What do we look for anyways? Someone to make you laugh? Love you despite your faults? Tolerate your crazy antics? Have good taste in music? And maybe these traits differ from person to person...
And maybe all this time when I said that "Oh, I don't care! It'll happen when it happens!" these questions and ideas have been swelling up inside of me? To the point when I realize maybe I do care (I've always had this insane assumption that if I care, then it won't happen. I don't know what that's about...).
I have trusted God with my financial matters for school (Praise Him that they are coming together! I'm not out of the woods yet, but I can see the light at the edge and trust the path to it), with my career ideas, my gifts and talents, my friendships, my job, even little petty things... and I thought that I trusted Him with this. But have I considered that I need to trust Him with this: that He has designed me to use my head and heart together and instilled in me the wisdom and discernment to know the difference between the two?
And let me say this: this does not disregard the fact that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that no one will love me, adore me, care for me, and want to see me happy more than my Heavenly Father. Because I know that. And if God has decided that I am not supposed to fall in love and get married and have kiddos... then I believe that he will grant me the serenity to accept that. Celibacy is the gift of the Spirit, did you know that? Just learned a few weeks ago. It makes sense. However, lately I have begun to believe that that is not the case for me. Why would he have placed this in me so strongly? Why would he have placed in me the joy I get from hearing stories between elderly couples? Why would he have given me the words to write stuff like this? To appreciate love stories in the first place?
Side note: I have fully discovered and realized that the ONLY reason I can appreciate and respect romance or love at all is because "He first loved me." God is the author of romance. He has showed me with the stars (especially the shooting kind), lightning, smiles, sunflowers, fluffy clouds, beautiful words, and butterflies how much he truly loves to romance. Each of those tools are unique to me, and he has created His own for you (and if you don't know what they are, I insist you ask- you'll find yourself being swept away).
I don't know if there's anyway I can know if I don't take a chance... on myself, on someone else, on everything that applies. This was supposed to be more organized but I guess if my brain is scattered, my writing will be as well.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
I didn't write this. But I know...
"Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.
Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.
She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.
Buy her another cup of coffee.
Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.
It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.
She has to give it a shot somehow.
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.
Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.
Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.
If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.
You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.
You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.
Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.
Or better yet, date a girl who writes."
-Rosemary Urquico
Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.
She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.
Buy her another cup of coffee.
Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.
It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.
She has to give it a shot somehow.
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.
Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.
Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.
If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.
You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.
You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.
Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.
Or better yet, date a girl who writes."
-Rosemary Urquico
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Grab a cup of coffee.
This is probably going to be a lengthy one. And if you don't mind, imagine all of this being in a British accent. Much obliged.
Today was brilliant. Woke up (Mom's birthday). Had coffee and coffee cake. Went to work, and was pretty chipper all day. Went home and changed into flowy, flower pants. Wendy showed up and off we were on our Saturday adventure.
Tangent? God puts people like Wendy and friendships like ours as blessings in life. I really hope that you have one like it. As I was saying...
Wendy and I went to see Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part II. Me and Harry Potter: I was introduced into the Potter world only a short time ago- I think February or March? But I feel a part of it none-the-less. And the last installment of the Harry Potters... was incredible. I cried... yeah. Seeing people unite usually does that. And I know it is silly to think that a movie, Harry Potter of all, would change my perspective (and really, it was all the elements of the night that did it).
What Part II did: For a while now, I have been chained by fear. Unexplainable fear: I'm not sure where it came from or how it entered my, what I thought, fearless heart, but it was there. And I'll be more specific with what sort of fear was crippling me: fear of the end. Fear that I won't get to live life (which is ironic considering that fear keeps you from living life) before the end. Before disaster and war and division begin. Fear that I have been on the "wrong" path for my life. And fear that I have been on the "right" path... and won't be able to keep walking it.
Fear of the end: in Part II... it pretty much felt like the end. It was dark. People were dying for a cause. It kinda seemed a little hopeless. That's how I feel about America... about the world... MY world... these days. The feeling that there's nothing I can do and I should just go through the motions until the end. Why fight? Just live in fear. Harry Potter changed that. Harry was "the chosen one." And while our stories may not work that way, while it is not all up to one person (well, technically, it is... well, was. But he did that a long time ago [Jesus Christ]), we still have the opportunity to change things. Watching Harry Potter was an adventure... and for a while now... I have been craving cup after cup of adventure! And what bigger adventure to embark on than the one set before us? Really, what good is it to go on any other one? When the one set before you is the one that matters. So, I began looking at the "end of the world" as one big adventure. Scary, sure. Uncertain, you bet. But we have each other. We're on God's side. Think of all the others that have been on God's side: Gideon, David, Moses. You remember their lives? Their stories? Why should ours be any less extraordinary than theirs or even Harry, Ron, and Hermoine's? Ours is real. And it is right now. I have always placed courage on a high pedestal. Only in the past year have I been told that I am brave. And right now, that needs to shine through. So does yours. The people of Hogwarts- Neville (<3 x infinity), Luna, Fred and George, Snape, Cedric- showed me the power of working together. And that there is no greater honor than fighting for what you believe is right and true and pure. It reminded me of what I needed to do (proof that God can use anything to get through to you). I need not be afraid.
Fear of my path: as long as I am following, trusting in, praying in, believing God... there's nothing that is going to change my route. I believed, in an instant, that Vanguard is where I was meant to be (on Earth, anyway). And as I was talking to Wendy Darling tonight about the options if I couldn't go back to Vanguard... she said to me, "But that's not you." She's right. It's not. I don't know if there is much more I can do to get back to school with no worries and no fears. But I realize... God tends to do things a bit last minute in my life. Well, last minute to me. To Him it's His perfect timing. I am trusting. Really. I mean that. I am testing. And I am starting to pray more. As I can.
The point is: wherever I go next, it will not be without God. And in that, I can have courage and joy.
Bring it on.
Today was brilliant. Woke up (Mom's birthday). Had coffee and coffee cake. Went to work, and was pretty chipper all day. Went home and changed into flowy, flower pants. Wendy showed up and off we were on our Saturday adventure.
Tangent? God puts people like Wendy and friendships like ours as blessings in life. I really hope that you have one like it. As I was saying...
Wendy and I went to see Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part II. Me and Harry Potter: I was introduced into the Potter world only a short time ago- I think February or March? But I feel a part of it none-the-less. And the last installment of the Harry Potters... was incredible. I cried... yeah. Seeing people unite usually does that. And I know it is silly to think that a movie, Harry Potter of all, would change my perspective (and really, it was all the elements of the night that did it).
What Part II did: For a while now, I have been chained by fear. Unexplainable fear: I'm not sure where it came from or how it entered my, what I thought, fearless heart, but it was there. And I'll be more specific with what sort of fear was crippling me: fear of the end. Fear that I won't get to live life (which is ironic considering that fear keeps you from living life) before the end. Before disaster and war and division begin. Fear that I have been on the "wrong" path for my life. And fear that I have been on the "right" path... and won't be able to keep walking it.
Fear of the end: in Part II... it pretty much felt like the end. It was dark. People were dying for a cause. It kinda seemed a little hopeless. That's how I feel about America... about the world... MY world... these days. The feeling that there's nothing I can do and I should just go through the motions until the end. Why fight? Just live in fear. Harry Potter changed that. Harry was "the chosen one." And while our stories may not work that way, while it is not all up to one person (well, technically, it is... well, was. But he did that a long time ago [Jesus Christ]), we still have the opportunity to change things. Watching Harry Potter was an adventure... and for a while now... I have been craving cup after cup of adventure! And what bigger adventure to embark on than the one set before us? Really, what good is it to go on any other one? When the one set before you is the one that matters. So, I began looking at the "end of the world" as one big adventure. Scary, sure. Uncertain, you bet. But we have each other. We're on God's side. Think of all the others that have been on God's side: Gideon, David, Moses. You remember their lives? Their stories? Why should ours be any less extraordinary than theirs or even Harry, Ron, and Hermoine's? Ours is real. And it is right now. I have always placed courage on a high pedestal. Only in the past year have I been told that I am brave. And right now, that needs to shine through. So does yours. The people of Hogwarts- Neville (<3 x infinity), Luna, Fred and George, Snape, Cedric- showed me the power of working together. And that there is no greater honor than fighting for what you believe is right and true and pure. It reminded me of what I needed to do (proof that God can use anything to get through to you). I need not be afraid.
Fear of my path: as long as I am following, trusting in, praying in, believing God... there's nothing that is going to change my route. I believed, in an instant, that Vanguard is where I was meant to be (on Earth, anyway). And as I was talking to Wendy Darling tonight about the options if I couldn't go back to Vanguard... she said to me, "But that's not you." She's right. It's not. I don't know if there is much more I can do to get back to school with no worries and no fears. But I realize... God tends to do things a bit last minute in my life. Well, last minute to me. To Him it's His perfect timing. I am trusting. Really. I mean that. I am testing. And I am starting to pray more. As I can.
The point is: wherever I go next, it will not be without God. And in that, I can have courage and joy.
Bring it on.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Decided
No. I have to get back to Vanguard. These roller coasters of thoughts and feelings keep going up and down, up and down... And for the time being while my thoughts settle... I think that I just really, really, REALLY... need to trust God right now (not that right now differs from any other time). I'm not sure if there is anything else I can do. I'm trying.
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