Extra time on my hands.

And socializing isn't an option right now. Eh. Weird funk. So... This has been on my mind lately. And more so today but I don't know why. You ever get into those weird thinking moods? They happen frequently with me.

I was thinking about what God's been doing in my life. How he's been changing my perspective on myself, on people, on guys, on just everything basically. And it's seriously been great! I love simply being here. But I got to thinking today during chapel...

WHY am I here? The honeymoon's over. I can't just accept that I'm here anymore. It was nice for a while but... I'm not one of those people who can just stay in a moment and let it be a moment. I need a goal, a dream, something to work towards! For the past two years this school has been what I was working towards.
And now that I did the work. And God sang over me. What's next? Why did I work so hard to be here? Why was it so important?

I don't know what I'm going to be when I grow up. Yeah yeah... 'No body does'. What I'm saying is... I don't know what happened to my dreams! Did I get so confused in the "What career fits me personality/talents/blah blah blah" that I forgot to dream? No really, where'd they go? I mean... they can't just disappear into the blue can they?

Is it acting? Because if it is... that's scary. Is it journalism? Writing? Because if THAT is... that's even scarier. Is it missionary work? Humanitarian work? Anthropology work? Therapist? Counselor? Ministry? Youth pastor?

I dunno.

I do know: I love people. No one should be without hope.
I love getting things across to people.
I love words.
I love acting like a goof-ball and trying to make people laugh.
I love Jesus (if you didn't already know!)
I like culture. Movies, books, plays, music. And I like quoting them and referencing them.
I don't like the media- but I would like to change what it tells people.

So. I don't know. But I know that I don't know. "True knowledge consists of knowing that you know nothing" right? Thank you Socrates (actually, thank you Bill and Ted).
When people ask me: "What's your major?"
What do I say?
This is what I say: "Undeclared right now. But I'll most likely do communications."
That's a loaded sentence! Most likely? I'm not even sure?! If I were sure you think my major would be declared right now! (No pressure- I don't have to til the beginning of sophomore year).

I know I have a purpose. I know I have these passions and dreams that have been planted in my heart since before I was born. I just wish these were revealed to me...

In my cornerstone class, we all had to read the book "The Five People You Meet In Heaven" By Mitch Albom. And we're starting to get into discussion about it. My proffesor had us think about these questions:

"Why am I living? What am I living for?" Because that is basically what Eddie asks himself. Or what the author asks the audience.

My answer:
-I am living to fulfill a purpose that brings glory to God. To fill a spot in the big scheme of things. To basically make God known on my 'path.'
-What I'm living for is why I'm living. Everyday my choices lead me closer to why I'm here. On a daily level, living to hear, see, experience, LOVE God.

Booooooooy did it get me thinking. If anyone can tell me anything about any of this please... you know where to leave a comment :)

In other news: school is now starting to kick my butt. Exams? Projects? Whaaaaaaat? Stress has just walked back into my life. Mmmm yay.

Broken Record.

So I’m reading this book called Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller (author of Blue Like Jazz). It’s not for a class. It’s not for anything except… like most books should be… for my personal growth. The book is basically a memoir. Donald Miller and his buddy Paul drive from Texas to Oregon in Paul’s VW Bus without any stops at Motels. They just continue driving. It is how he finds light, God, and beauty on the open road. The way that Miller writes it is said to be “a moody, meandering style that is pitch-perfect young Rose-City –bohemian prose” (The Williamette Weekly). I just wanted to share an excerpt:

“And maybe when a person doesn’t buy the lies anymore, when a human stops long enough to realize the stuff people say to get us to part with our money often isn’t true, we can finally see the sunrise, smell the wetness in a Gulf breeze, stand in awe at a downpour no less magnificent than a twenty-thousand foot waterfall, ten square miles wide, wonder at the physics of a duck paddling itself across the surface of a pond, enjoy the reflection of the sun on the face of the moon and know, This is what I was made to do. This is who I was made to be, that life is being given to me as a gift, that light is a metaphor, and God is doing these things to dazzle us.” (Page 77… of all numbers!)

Sometimes I get caught up in lies. Not lies I tell, lies that I hear and believe. We go through life wondering about tomorrow. Sometimes even worrying about tomorrow. What will I eat? What will I wear? What am I SUPPOSED to wear? Or drive? Or say? Or act? We get distracted by the world. Even if the world doesn’t enter us or affect us… It can still be a distraction. So why I love this passage so much is because of the sheer genius and truth in it! We were made to be dazzled by God’s works! A duck paddling in water? Have you ever thought that that action required innovation or genius? I never even thought about. But the Earth just shouts of God’s glory and goodness! I wish I could say that I notice it every day. But I don’t. But what if I start trying? What else would God show to me? He has proven himself to be like that in my life. Showing me his glory! It makes me think back to about a week ago... My friends and I were walking from the cafeteria to the dorms after lunch. As I look at my phone to text, I see below me something moving. I thought it was a leaf. I look closer and it was a crab! A little blue, green, and red crab! Why was it there? I’m not sure! We’re at least 10 minutes from the beach! So we take pictures, name it Henry and it scurries away. I only thought it was cool. Looking back… it’s amazing that God designed that crab! With its own defense and protection. God’s the ultimate artist. Look at how he designed us! Yet we are bombarded with lies and false realties of how we should look. I am SO done believing all of those! I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that full well.

So. This book reminds me that life was meant to be lived, not just gotten through. My dear friend Samantha is leaving for a missionary school in Hawaii. And she’s nervous! Of course! I was out of my MIND nervous on my seven hour drive to Costa Mesa! But then I realize… how many people get to experience that feeling? The fear of the unknown? The nerves? It’s scary, sure. But it means that you’re trying something new! It means that you’re trusting God! Which is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced with him!

I want to live my life. I worry about who I will be. What I will be. What God wants me to do with my life… My life is now. What does he want me to do with it? Be in awe of him! And I am!!! I am SO amazed by him. He has been blowing me away. I know he has my future in his hands. So as long as I seek after him… the rest is gravy.
“This love is so deep. It’s more than I can stand. I melt in your peace. It’s overwhelming.”
I came across a verse a month or so ago. Before I left for school actually. It talks about God singing over us. I didn’t know what that meant. So I asked him: “God, how do you sing over me?” Wow. He did not let me down. It’s the most beautiful song I’ve ever heard.

I'm not sure if anyone's still reading these besides Cess...

Hey God: thank you for blowing me away once again :) you know the depths of my heart... And you love me THE SAME!

I just had to write that. It's just a glimpse of what God has been doing in me. I fall in love all over and more deeply with him EVERYDAY! This school has made that possible. By chapels. Knowledge. Teachers who pray before class. And, mostly, the worship service on Wednesday nights: Shine. Tonight it lasted for an hour and a half. Of just this pure love and overflowing grace! God ALWAYS moves me. Shows me things I would rather not know about myself. But need to know in order to grow and get deeper and deeper with him.

This whole experience is more than I could have ever asked for. Why he decided to give it to me I still don't know. Why he has given me awesome leaders... I still don't know. Why he has given me SO many new friends I can be myself around... I don't know. The greatest thing though is that I don't always have to know! I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that God has me where he wants me. It doesn't mean it's perfect all the time. It's not. But I don't want to dwell on that. He's done so much good. I even feel silly worrying about things I can't control anymore! I have too much to be thankful for.

"This love is so deep... it's more than I can stand! I melt in your peace!... It's overwhelming."
Read that line. I heard that line in a worship song for the first time tonight. It described everything so perfectly in that moment. I wish I could've stayed there forever. Great news? One day I will :)

In other news. While I am here and I am growing I realized something... That I miss my church. More so, the people I talk to. Hanged out with. On a weekly basis. Wendy, Jodi, Ricky, Carlos, Dilan... the whole lot of them. I miss the kids.

And I realized tonight while watching a video of Blighton stuffing his face with a pancake at Denny's... that I'm not there anymore. Really NOT THERE. It is continuing without me. There are new jokes, new happenings, new stories occuring and I'm not there to see the lives unfold. New people are arriving. I felt so disconnected. It was one of the strangest feelings.

Then I realized... That maybe it couldn't be helped. In choosing this school, this opportunity God gave me... it was basically inevitable. I didn't think about that when I was leaving. At first I really didn't know how I felt about it. It was almost like they put me on a shelf. Which is pretty silly considering I know they love me. And I know they miss me. And I them. But I didn't think it would be like that.

So I guess this is me saying goodbye to that. To who I was when I was there. And hello to who God is working me to be. To where he is taking me. Who knows... I may end up back there. I don't know his plan (no matter how many times I ask...). But I am okay with it all. I know he's doing something beyond amazing. "The enemy comes to kill, steal and desroy. I came to give life in abundance." I wish I knew where that was located in the Bible. It's astonishing how much and how often the enemy tries to bring me down. Distract me. But it is so BEAUTIFUL how much LIFE I am recieving through Jesus Christ!