This is, yet again, another blog about relations. Let's just call it that. As I am getting older (gross), it is going to be near impossible to run away from this subject. I figure that I might as well write about it if it is going to baffle me so much. And while we're on that, I don't understand how it baffles me so much. It's not like I'm in the relationship world all of the time... I'm never in that world. And yet, here I am. I'm guessing the confusion may be the result of mixing cheesy love songs, romantic comedies, Mr. Darcy, the Bible, and what goes on in my actual life. And I could say that I'll stop listening to those pretty songs, stop watching the cute movies, realize that Mr. Darcy is fictional, only read the Bible, and see how my life turns out. But... how is that fun? And furthermore, I believe that much can be taken from themes in secular movies. All literature streams from the Bible... most themes I am led to believe as well. So I believe it is finding that balance... which I have also found out that that is all life is at times. 'Ere go...
I realize that I know a wide network of people. From the schools and work of Lodi, to the school and people of Costa Mesa, friends of friends, strangers... and yet I have no idea how one goes about meeting or "finding" (whatever that means) ones soul mate. Which makes me wonder if the idea of a soul mate is even true. I love the idea. In a sense it makes it easier- to know that somewhere there is only one. You don't have to shift through all these other guys and pick and choose... just one. And that one WILL come. But how do you know? My wish is that I just do. That he and I both just know. That way I can avoid the awkwardness (I doubt that; my whole life is awkward), the trust barriers, the getting to know blah blah. But I doubt that will happen. So how do you know? Hmm? Is it when they like the same stuff you like? Right down to your favorite color? Or you have a really intense connection? Or you had the same up bringing? What is it? I'm reminded of a dialogue between Prince Henry and Leonardo DaVinci in one of my favorite movies Ever After (told you... I'm sick):
Henry: Do you really think there is one perfect mate?
DaVinci: As a matter of fact, I do.
Henry: Well then how can you be certain to find them? And if you do find them, are they really the one for you or do you only think they are? And what happens if the person you're supposed to be with never appears, or, or she does, but you're too distracted to notice?
DaVinci: You learn to pay attention.
Henry: Then let's say God puts two people on Earth and they are lucky enough to find one another. But one of them gets hit by lightning. Well then what? Is that it? Or, perchance, you meet someone new and marry all over again. Is that the lady you're supposed to be with or was it the first? And if so, when the two of them were walking side by side were they both the one for you and you just happened to meet the first one first or, was the second one supposed to be first? And is everything just chance or are some things meant to be?
Davinci: You cannot leave everything to Fate, boy. She's got a lot to do. Sometimes you must give her a hand.
(might I mention, that, while I am writing this, my itunes was on shuffle and decided to play "One and Only" by Adele and "The One I'm Waiting For" by Relient K right after? Odd, just saying.)
So, as we can see, Henry is asking the same thing I ask. I know that not everything is chance... I know that God has had a plan for my life before I was formed. He has set everything in stone. And with that, I know that if he has set someone out for me that it will happen. However, I also know that we have choices. God has given us a mind to use... but I believe we cannot forget to use the heart with it. And we cannot use the heart seperate from the mind.
And maybe that is where we get confused... from the war of heart versus mind. At least, that's where it is at for me (and that is a seperate matter alone). What do we look for anyways? Someone to make you laugh? Love you despite your faults? Tolerate your crazy antics? Have good taste in music? And maybe these traits differ from person to person...
And maybe all this time when I said that "Oh, I don't care! It'll happen when it happens!" these questions and ideas have been swelling up inside of me? To the point when I realize maybe I do care (I've always had this insane assumption that if I care, then it won't happen. I don't know what that's about...).
I have trusted God with my financial matters for school (Praise Him that they are coming together! I'm not out of the woods yet, but I can see the light at the edge and trust the path to it), with my career ideas, my gifts and talents, my friendships, my job, even little petty things... and I thought that I trusted Him with this. But have I considered that I need to trust Him with this: that He has designed me to use my head and heart together and instilled in me the wisdom and discernment to know the difference between the two?
And let me say this: this does not disregard the fact that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that no one will love me, adore me, care for me, and want to see me happy more than my Heavenly Father. Because I know that. And if God has decided that I am not supposed to fall in love and get married and have kiddos... then I believe that he will grant me the serenity to accept that. Celibacy is the gift of the Spirit, did you know that? Just learned a few weeks ago. It makes sense. However, lately I have begun to believe that that is not the case for me. Why would he have placed this in me so strongly? Why would he have placed in me the joy I get from hearing stories between elderly couples? Why would he have given me the words to write stuff like this? To appreciate love stories in the first place?
Side note: I have fully discovered and realized that the ONLY reason I can appreciate and respect romance or love at all is because "He first loved me." God is the author of romance. He has showed me with the stars (especially the shooting kind), lightning, smiles, sunflowers, fluffy clouds, beautiful words, and butterflies how much he truly loves to romance. Each of those tools are unique to me, and he has created His own for you (and if you don't know what they are, I insist you ask- you'll find yourself being swept away).
I don't know if there's anyway I can know if I don't take a chance... on myself, on someone else, on everything that applies. This was supposed to be more organized but I guess if my brain is scattered, my writing will be as well.
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