just a perspective

“Do you think it all meant nothing, all the longing? The longing for home? For indeed it now feels not like going, but like going back. All my life the Godof the Mountain has been wooing me. Oh, look up once at least before the end and wish me joy. I am going to my lover. Do you not see now?” -C.S. Lewis


I find it silly that Harold Camping would advertise to billions of people when Judgement day would be here. I don't care how good he is at math, if he's going to spew Jesus to the world, he needs to spew all of it. Especially the part where The Bible says, "But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in Heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." Matthew 24:56. He is obligated to his opinions and beliefs like any American of course... but wow. To invest so much money to mislead people... Anyway.

I wasn't about to listen to him. I knew better. In fact, when 6 o'clock came around I was at a Starbucks in Elk Grove after work training reading and waiting for my dad. But even if Jesus came back then... I'd be more than okay. Which is the point of the quote at upper most region of this blog. There are days when things just crumble and attack and I just don't feel like dealing with the world and people and I would simply much rather be in Heaven. In peace. With Jesus. And it's understandable why I'd just want Jesus to come back during those times! It'd be so much better! But... It's also when I'm worshipping. Not singing along, not clapping. Fully worshipping that I realize: "I could do this forever... I GET to do this forever!" And there are certain aspects of God and His creation that just keeps drawing me to heaven and the reason that I can't find a place here, is because it is not my place. God has been wooing me for 19+ years. To go home. I'm excited to sit and have a cup of coffee with Jesus while watching suns rise and suns set or however it works in Heaven. So, I would be okay if Jesus came back. I know where I'm going.

However. It reminds me that there is so much work to be done. I was thinking on Saturday: "What if this is it? Who have I told Jesus to? Have I done all that God has asked of me?" Now is not the time for me to not listen. Now is not the time for me to give up when I seek and hear nothing.

Home?

I'm realizing how much I really just do not like or enjoy Lodi. For some reason, I'm a much better person in Costa Mesa when I'm at Vanguard. I know it's been said that "We choose to be happy." Honestly I've tried. It is so hard to do here.

Especially when I have spent the last 9 months growing and changing drastically to come back here to where nothing has changed. It's even more impossible to fit in than it was before. At school, I could leave my room without make-up, wearing jeans and sweatshirt and felt fine and not like everyone was out dressing me. Well Lodi... I walk into a gas station in a sweatshirt and feel out dressed. What?! It's LODI! You're surrounded by cows and farms. What are you doing wearing Gucci?! Lodi is just not my cup of tea. Or coffee. Or what have you.

And things might be different if I hung out with more friends but it's really difficult to do considering that I'm working and when I'm not I'm at home where my mom needs every little bit of help with the house and baby-sitting. I wish people understood that.

this might as well be about chocolate.

So, I usually don't post writings associating with "romance" or "relationships" or boys... there always seems to be more important things I feel I ought to write about. Hooooowever, simply because I do not write about such subjects (except in my personal, top secret, extreme private, if-I-die-tomorrow-burn-it-immediately journal) does not mean that they are not on my mind or even on my heart.

Because let's face the facts: I am a 19 year old girl. With very relational people for family and friends. Living in a world of Disney princesses, romantic comedies, and hormones. And I have had no (as in zero, zip, zilch, nada, nothing) "experiences of the heart." Not even a date. Unless you count... no that doesn't count. Anywho, with this chain of events, one can't help but wonder a few discouraging thoughts:

1. What is wrong with me?

2. What is wrong with them?

3. Maybe it's this guy....

Welp. After 19 years... Okay, basically the last few months... of much meditation, prayer and searching, I have discovered my explanation, not so much the answers because I'm sure they're different for everyone, to these questions. Plus, and this really is a plus, I have found liberation. So I divulge....

1. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. As far as I'm concerned. I used to think that I had to look a certain way to get anyone, let alone a boy, to talk to me or consider me cool. Haha... high school was lame. Then I discovered the freedom and joy of being me. But not just being me, LIKING me. It's been a long road... okay it's still a long road. But I just think about how my relationships would be fake if I had made myself anyone else but who God made me to be. Look, I know I'm goofy. Or weird. But I make some people laugh... and I really like that! I know I love Jesus waaaaaay too much for some people. But for me, it will never be enough. I know I work too hard and take my school work and work work seriously. I know that the fact that my favorite duo, Simon & Garfunkle, might lead to some teasing. But at least their lyrics mean something. I know that I like to analyze and will often talk about what I found and got out of a certain book or movie... or life. I know that I turn bright red when I laugh too hard. I know that I do not and will never look like a model. Or even the girl next door. But by golly gee I have this light that you can't extinguish. Which explains how I can leave my house without make-up. But nice try. So you see... it took going going away to college to see that the right people will come into my life as long as I'm myself. Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom...

2. There's nothing wrong with them (males). We're all faced with the pressures and expectations of society. We're all walking our paths and we're all stupid from time to time. Sometimes I wonder how women and men belong together what with them being so different from each other... but I guess it's like peanut butter and jelly. Two totally different condiments. But when they are put together... it's magic. I guess that makes God the bread? ANYWHO! Growing up I didn't have very many guy friends... okay I had like two. Give or take. And since I have gone to college and met boys who were not Lodi boys who, as I have been convinced, have lost one too many brain cells, I have found the laughter, joy and insights of being friends, GOOD friends, with guys. Which leads to this....

3. Stop wondering who it is. So, if God sees it fit for me to marry... He's going to bring us together. Because I do not intend on diverting from God's story line for my life. What I'M going to do... is stop worrying about it. And amazingly enough... I have. I do not live my days hoping to impress SOMEBODY. I live my days longingly to express who. Jesus. Is. I hope that I do him justice! And the reason that I have not dated, or extensively flirted, is because I'm just waiting. Until now, it just didn't seem important to date just anyone. Whoever, ifever, God has planned, he is soooooooo going to be worth waiting. Trust me.

And I am not writing this as a way of saying "I will never get married" or "Love isn't a big deal." Because I still want to get married... to fall in love is practically a dream. Because Love IS a big deal. Big deal. The biggest. As far as I know, love is the most beautiful thing God has ever created.
I quote The Notebook (the anthem love movie of girls across the nation): "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds."
Do you know where I find this kind of love? Jesus. These words are practically perfect. I know that it's difficult to let other people love you if you don't love yourself (just, trust me on this one), and it's difficult to love yourself if you don't let God teach you and show you and love you. So really... it all goes back to God.
That's all I'm really looking for. God.
Of course I kinda have a list in my head of what I want. Who I want. And even though it terrifies the living daylights out of me to be so vulnerable and have someone know every aspect of you and still love you, I still want it. I'm not sure how that works. I want someone to make dinner for. And to send cute notes to. And of course, all the nice things to me too :) Yada yada. But, as it holds true in every aspect of life, God knows best.
Liberating.

Anywho. I completeeeeeeeely understand if this blog means nothing to you because you simply cannot understand it. If anyone even reads it! You deserve a Klondike bar if you did...

And I guess all that I'm saying is... I'm just not all that worried anymore. I still might be a saaaaap and hopeless romantic. But... oh well. Hi, I'm Ciara!

I'm an English major...

Meteor Shower - Owl City, Someday - LaRue

Okay... so I've been home for over two weeks and this is the first blog I've written. I just haven't had anything to write about.
Even though I turned 19.
Even though I ended my freshmen year.
Left all of my family and great school.
Moved back into the couch in the front room.
Am at Raley's again.
Don't see many people here.
Even though my grandpa got back from being in the hospital and rehab for three months.
And my mom spends her days caring for him and I took on the usual household responsibilities for her as much as I can.

Yeah uh... nothing's changed.
I don't know how it is that things can change drastically once I go 4oo miles north. I realized that this summer will not reflect the summer of my childhoods... or even last year.

I have another payment for freshmen year. Which I'll be paying for with all the money I make this summer. And THEN I can register for classes for fall. Which will take work to get into considering they're all filled up now, most likely. And since I did not get the job in the mailroom like I applied for and interviewed for, I'm not positive of how I'm going to live the next semester. I guess the same way I've been doing for the past 19 years? With prayer, worry and work. I don't understand how some people don't struggle with this and some people don't. It's practically my family's curse! It's hard to fully believe that God is my provider when situations and circumstances keep piling up just like the bills and 'past dues' keep piling up.
He's led me to victory before. And I'm sure he'll do it again. I just know he's going to do it the hard way though...

My grandpa isn't the man he used to be. In his late eighties, time and a life of service and work has caught up with him. Recently I found out that he has post traumatic stress disorder from fighting in Korea. This explains the fears that I notice he lives in. And also my loss of naiveity. This is the grandpa who built me swings, took me to get candy at Martini's Bait & Tackle shop, wasn't afraid to discipline me that one time and always asked questions. To see him like this is an eye-opener. Living in his house there's not much I can do to get away from it. I don't think I should either. Half the time I don't know what to say to him, but I answer his questions anyway. After months of medical issues he is home and has physical therapists to help him. He is on his way to strength again but... I just don't know. After my grandma passed away when I was in 4th grade, he hasn't been the same and neither has his heart.

It's interesting though... to be surrounded by so many different stages of life. The end, the beginning. The middle. The peace, joy and obligations. It reminds me that I'm 19. That the pressures to find the love of my life, my career, my future... are placed on me by a faceless society. I have learned over the past year that there is nothing wrong with walking my path in a stroll. Sometimes I break into a sprint... but I think I'm beginning to discover the important things in life. And that requires a stroll.

If I could, I would live my life in the forest somewhere. Or a beach. Or a meadow. Just be a hermit and live off of the good earth and be in splendor of God's creation as my career... But then I remember that there's a life for me that I have been given and that I can't ignore.

I watched Mulan today, and the Emperor told the captain: "The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all." My mom has told me this in a different light saying to me "Bloom where you're planted." I may not be faced with adversity like others have. But it is there none the less.

I guess the thing about growing up is that you never stop. And I think it's important for me to not forget God in this process... despite how far away he feels...


In other news: my birthday was in April and my amazing friends Jenelle and Cheyenne threw me a surprise birthday picnic. Complete with bubbles, toys, blankets, tons of food, and my favorite people. My whole floor was there. Most of my brother floor. I didn't realized I was that loved. Blew me away! Then the next day Marley and her grandma and mom took me to Sea World. So amazing. It's hard to describe the love I have for all of these people and this school and how they make me feel and what God says to me through it all.