Embrace intellectual uncertainty. It's called revelation.

"There is a tide in the affairs of men..." William Shakespear, Julius Ceasar.

After a long day of introspection, thinking, reading, talking to best friends (ash & sam, thanks!), thinking, a little bit of crying, praying (should of done more of that?) and oh hey, more thinking... I have come to the conclusion that... Lion chasers aren't guaranteed the prize at the end of the chase. They're not guaranteed that the chase will be easy either. Actually, there may not be a guarantee in any of it. Like Clint Eastwood once said: "If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster."

I think... that the only guarantee in the whole deal of life... is that God is going to 1. Be there with his best. Always. And 2. Never leave us without somewhere to go.

Isaiah 45:2 "I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name."

He will give us treasures of darkness. Wait, what? How does that work? Aren't treasures usually bright? And shining? And well... good? If you live in Happily Ever After land and find the treasures in a sandy cave. And we don't right? I think this simply means... we will find character, hope, lesson, REAL things that make life... life, in our "darkest" times. It's in these times that God is able to shine brighter and brighter. So that we can know WHO HE IS and that he is good and able and has called us to be... so much more than we can imagine.

Today was a "bad" day (helps when you're extra emotional today and dramatic in general).
Today I had unexpected news that shook everything.
Today I tried to escape in my books but could only have lingering thoughts and emotions in the back of my mind.

But today... I also decide not to lose hope.
Even if it's not hope for this dream... all is not lost. I have hope that no matter what happens, something good will come of this. Because my God... is not a God of pain and despair. My God has a plan. Even if it's not MY plan. Which, in fact, isn't as grand as His is. It doesn't mean I won't be... to put it lightly, crushed. I mean, I cried today. And I could still probably get the loan I need. Nothing's finalized... yet.

So yes, I can't even... imagine not going to Vanguard after all of this. After trying so hard. After talking about it countless times to basically everyone I come in contact with. After putting so much into this emotionally, financially, and spiritually. But I know I can't even imagine what God has in store for me. Whether it is at Vanguard or anywhere else in the world! Even this town I've been waiting to get out of for years.

Basically... I've spent the past couple years searching for a dream. Just one. That I could hold on to for dear life. I thought I had found it.
Then I realized... I had spent so long seeking a dream, instead of seeking the giver of dreams. No, not genie. God. It's time that I fully and whole heartedly seek HIM. In doing so, I will find bigger dreams than my heart can contain, but will be able to do so by the grace and strength that I have and will receive from the lover of my soul.

Hi, I'm Ciara and I like spilling out my guts for cyber space to see.
Oh well :) like the saying goes; No guts, no glory.
I'm beginning to reach a new found confidence in my life that could only come from God and I will shine in that because I know in shining, God's glory is able to shine much, much brighter.
I have also found a new fondness with risk taking. There's no time in playing small. I learned that risk taking is the biggest and more profound way of telling God: "God, I trust you to catch me, or to give me wings."
And there is also something to be said for uncertainty. If we knew what was coming our way. What would be the point in trusting God? Or in making any kind of step of faith in life? Uncertainty should be embraced. There are so many lessons, blessings, joy, trust in embracing them!

Lloyd Dobler once said: "I'm looking for a dare to be great situation." Like most of life, this can be taken in different perspectives. For me... it means to simply take a chance. And it it doesn't come out the way you want it... You can still choose to be great. To rise above the thoughts that say, "Nothing could ever possibly turn out right for you." I think it builds character.
(But as we know, everything turns out quite perfect for Lloyd).

And for the record- this isn't me figuring it out. I'm not sure that could ever be possible. Because I reach something like this once a week. This is... God showing me who he is. And I love that he does that <3

So, as William Shakespeare was saying (this is my favorite): "There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea we are now afloat. And we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures."

Take any kind of opportunity! You never know what awaits in store for the risk taker! For the lion chaser!

Acknowledgments: Mark Batterson, Samantha Renee Ellis, Ashley Nicole Ybarra, and William Shakespeare.

Sigh...

I haven't posted a blog in quite a while (what like... a week?). Ha. Still... Not much has happened. Except that I basically fell in love with Vanguard? I must admit, at first I was terrified. I was on the verge of either crying or throwing up. I had this knot in my stomach once I reached LA! Then came lunch and I just felt reeeeeally alone. Thank goodness my dad was there. But once orientation actually started... I realized that everyone was scared. All the incoming freshmen seemed really scared. Some seemed to make friends much more easily that I did (I used to think I was good at that?). But... I was glad to be there. Despite the lonliness, the fear of Vanguard being, yet again, one place that I wasn't going to fit in, and the prospect of being 400 miles away from my home. I honestly can't describe it more than anything than a feeling. I felt like I was meant to be there (true, I have yet to pay, but I'm trying not to worry about that).

And the people! The staff and the counselors and the professors were all some of the nicest people I've ever met! You could seriously feel God's love on the campus and between them! And once I introduced myself (why am I the one who always has to do it?), I felt fine! I was excited while registering for classes- the professors (yes, professors, not teachers!) were actually paying attention to me. Maybe because we all needed help but... It was just SO different than Lodi. Ever since freshman year- my 15th year of life!- I was itching to get out of Lodi. I've never liked the people to be perfectly honest. I feel like... I was too nice for this town. Weird? It's hard to explain. I guess if you lived in Lodi ALL your life and weren't like everyone else you'd understand.

Anyways. So, on the way home I took out the Simon and Garfunkle streaming from my ear bud and asked my dad: "How do you feel about me going to Vanguard?" He responded: "You're meant to be here."

Well, it's good to know that my parents are behind this. Even if it IS a little more than passive. Granted, this cannot be easy for them. Of 9 kids, 2 have gone to college. Of those 2, NONE has gone away. That changes now.


Scratch that. Just opened the mail. I guess I owe more than I thought. I don't get it. And I can seriously feel my hope spiraling out of control.

To the infinite all finites are equal.

Save Me by The Rocket Summer

I'm not feeling touch
I'm not making that much
But I guess I am blessed
But sometimes it's just hard to see it as such

I'm stuck and alone in the traffic lines
While couples in love in the H.O.V fly by
I don't get it
I'm not asking for much
But everyone wants to just have something

So i'll be picking me up
Breaking me down
I was lost was i found
I want to feel everything
When everything feels wrong with me
Take a look
Imbrace yourself
Everybody wants to make it count

Save me! Cause I could never float sinking
Amaze me! And I would be there holding on for life

.........

And I could tell
From the picture, I could feel I was sinking
Pull me out and bring me back to life
The colors that my eyes had never seen...
Well i can see them now.

You know those artists/bands that have so often said the words you couldn't find? Okay. Maybe not. But it happens. Ex: Bryce Avery. Sometimes I just need to listen to his songs and they remind me of.... well a lot. That I need to believe. That I can't do this without God. That I need to be amazed by Him right now. The list goes on.

"And all I have is all of me. And it's all that I can give. Our disappointed hearts will heal. Our hearts will spill. Over you. Over me. Over this." - All of Me.
I would probably post the vast majority of his songs RIGHT NOW. But you should just listen to them. Run to You, Hold It Up, So, in this hour..., Show Me Everything You've Got, You Gotta Believe, Nothing Matters, I Need a Break... But I'd Rather Have a Breakthrough (<--- always that one). Along with The Rocket Summer's God-given musical and lyricist abilities, Mark Batterson's writing and insights from God have been a great deal of help as well. In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day is all about surviving and thriving when opportunity roars. The title is taken from the often skipped over (I've never heard of it) story of Benaiah in 2 Samuel 23: 20-21. I won't give summary of the book (I'm on chapter three anyways). But the main idea is being a lion chaser. To understand that: 1. Read the verses. Then 2. Read the book. I would, however, like to share some quotes, simply to show where I'm at (and I'll explain).

"I wish I could tell you that every lion chase ends with a lion skin hanging on the wall, but it doesn't. The dot-com dreamer is successful beyond his wildest dreams, but the guy with political aspirations lost the election. However, both of them are lion chasers in my book. What sets lion chasers apart isn't the outcome. It's the courage to chase God-sized dreams. Lion chasers don't let their fears or doubts keep them from doing what God has called them to do" (page 16).

Whew. Can I just say how strongly that struck a cord with me? And it was only the first chapter! Well. I'll begin. As time is winding down to August 21st- the day of moving into my new dorm, my new school, my new town, my new life- I can again feel the pressure. The stress. Of: "How am I going to get the $3,000 I need?" "What if this just crashes in the end?" "What if He just takes it all away?" Silly things such as those. Not so silly when you're living them though right? Right. They're actually quote antogonizing. It's when everything is fine and hunky-dory that they seem silly. I haven't felt silly in a while. There have been... countless hurdles to get to where I am now (and I'm not even at school yet). I can't imagine the other's coming up.
I know, I know. "How can someone who is a believer doubt so much?" Well, I don't know. Maybe because I'm used to disappointment. I'm used to things going wrong or thing's not happening at all. I'm used to being jaded. I'm used up. But something in me is making sure I don't stop. Maybe because I've come this far and it would be idiotic, pointless, and inconceivable I suppose to have gotten this far and NOT keep going. Because God has opened countless doors. And I am always thankful for them. But I'm always wondering: "What about the next door? It's not done. What next?!" It's hard for me to take one step at a time when I constantly look at the big picture. I'm tired of disappointments. I learn for them, yes. But It's high time I put what I learn to use.

To have faith. To take risks. To believe that my God is NOT going to disappoint. My situations might. People will. Heck, I'll disapoint myself. Nice. I just revealed that to myself while writing this. Neato.

"You can have a sense of destiny because you know that God has considered every contingency in your life, and He always has your best interest at heart. And that sense of destiny rooted in the sovereignty of God, helps you pray the unthinkable and attempt the impossible" (page 30).

And...

"Whenever I counsel someone who is wrestling with discerning the will of God, I remind them of this simple truth: God wants you to get where God wants you to go more than you want to get where God wants you to go. He is always working behind the scence, engineering our circumstances and setting us up for success" (page 30).

God wants ME to overcome. He wants to see me conquer my giants and my lions. He knows things will happen that will be difficult (understatement, no?). But He knows why they're there and how they're going to help. Like any father, He wants to see me succeed and He wants to be proud of me.
Because when I do, that's when his glory shines the most! When I come against impossible odds... he loves that! Because he gets to do the most miraculous work in my life! "Give me your biggest dreams and let me shine in them!" He says to me. All glory will go to God forever. Simply knowing that God loves that I'm the underdog is comforting. That he likes that. No, he doesn't like to see me in pain and fear. But he likes to see me take chances that will show how cosmically phenomenal he is!

I know this is all over the place. I'm just trying to decipher any kind of sense from the going-ons in my brain and heart this past week or so.

I'm scared. Yes. After putting so much of myself into this not being guaranteed that where I want to be is where I'm going is terrifying. I can imagine myself the day I discover that... I can't go. Or, I'm not meant to go. I may be devasted. Doesn't mean that God won't do something. In fact, he has a plan for that.
But... I can also see myself coming against all the voices that say: no one in my familys done this before, the economy won't allow this, my financial situations are going to stop this, this is naive. It's ridiculous.
Okay. So, even if it is (It's not! We're talking about my dreams here!)... who cares! How many people have set a goal or dreamt a dream and never had the guts to chase it? "No guts, no glory." Not my glory. His.

Father God, I'm sorry when I doubt. I'm sorry when I get mad at you and ask "Why?" You always have a way of bringing me back to believing even when I'm on "empty." Thank you for never giving up on me and always believing in me (even when I don't believe in myself)! I know you have a plan. I also know that I don't know the plan. And God, let me know that I'm on the right track. I love you endlessly!!

If you read that... I love you!

Sure am glad my only followers are my bffs.

So... I was listening to some fan-made Josh Groban videos (he was on Glee and I just wanted to listen!) And I was listening to Don't Give Up. And the video had all these pictures of Jesus and how he's always there for us and loves us. And I almost broke down. Not gonna lie. How can he love me so much when I am and feel like a terrible person? People think that I always have it together. That I am just... Such a great worker, daughter, student, blah blah blah. Ugh. It's impossible to do anything less than what is expected because it's out of the ordinary. But you know what? I'm not perfect! No matter how hard I try to be and how hard I try to please EVERYONE... It's not. Going. To. Happen. I have been facing my flaws so much lately. They're literally SCREAMING at me. This won't happen because I'm like this. Or that happened because of something I did. I feel like I can't be... Completed. Or blessed. Because I am just so messed up and have so many issues.

And yet.

Jesus still loves me? He still died for me? He won't take that back even with the countless mistakes I make? God still gives me good days? Still implants joy in me?

There was a time I simply accepted this (read Sami's blog). When I had faith like a child. When I simply basked in how much God loves me. Now I'm wondering "Why? How?" He's still going to be there for me. When I blame him. When I get mad at him. When I don't thank him. I feel like a terrible person simply writing this! Gah... Facing yourself is hard work. I would like to quote my dear friend Bryce Avary now (The Rocket Summer):

"Just a calendar day
It's funny how things can stay the same
but then drastically change
Some things seem so close on some days but still so far away

Don't know the right things to do
In fact, I dont have a clue
Sometimes I feel like a tool
And I want to be truthfully true to you
And do all the things that you do

But when I hate everything about the mean things that I say
Feels like I mess up so much and I can only say:
"I hate everything about my ways"
But you tell me I'm okay
And one day, one day I know you'll say
You'll say

"B, I'm so glad you made it"
"Oh, well, Jesus thank you so much for saying that"
Because the truth you know is that I have just been
Hating so many things I do
But now I realize forever: that you're my friend
No matter what you will never leave me to fend
I don't know much, but I know we will be
Happy as a 1950's TV family
Except times infinity.

Two calendar days
And still my life is the same
And other people's have changed
I wonder if I'm too late
All the time's that I said I would just wait?
And yeah does anyone care?
About us here or anywhere?
Well, I just want to try and dare to be there, to care
Cause I know, I know that's rare

But when I hate everything about the mean things that I say
Feels like I mess up so much and I can only say:
"I hate everything about my ways"
But you tell me I'm okay
And one day, one day I know you'll say

"B, I'm so glad you made it"
"Oh, well, Jesus thank you so much for saying that"
Cause the truth you know is that I have just been
Hating so many things I do
But now I realize forever, that you're my friend
No matter what you will never leave me to fend
I dont know much but I know we will be
Happy as a 1950's TV family
Except times infinity"

TV Family- The Rocket Summer

I've spent all my life simply trying. I've never been exceedingly talented in one area. But I always, ALWAYS tried my hardest. In everything. Especially the things that I wanted and cared about. And I will always spend my life trying. Trying to find something I don't have to simply TRY at. I don't know what it's here for. And I don't know what it means.
But I don't think I try hard enough to be better. And what I mean by that is... I try to be better... to be a "Good Person"... In other people's eyes. How do I try to be better for God? When I hate all the mean things that I say?
Hi, life? Yes. It's me. Take it easy... okay?

I love knowing that he still loves me. Even if I can't always feel it. I am loved. And he's going to take care of me. Despite my funk. Despite my inability to understand everything. He still loves me. And is constantly carrying me. Like... my mind cannot fathom how much he loves me. It's overwhelming.

I need to read my Bible more.

If anyone read this but you two... Well, that'd be weird!

I've found my enjoyment with blogging.

I found the perfect layout. Not only do I love reading and books and the smell of books. But I think they represent something. How we have things on the shelf we need to read and deal with. Not books, per say (although I'm sure we all have books that have been sitting on a shelf for a long time!), but our problems that need dealing with. If you don't take them down, read them, and understand them, you can't deal with them. I've found myself in that place right now. Being faced dealing with a lot of crap that's been weighing me down. I've recognized them and read them... but what if you don't understand the book? Or don't want to finish it? That's life. "I am like a book; with pages that have stuck together for want of use; my mind needs unpacking and the truths stored within me must be turned over from time to time, to be ready when occasion demands." -Seneca. Thinking is dangerous business sometimes.

:)

"...when the whole group is together, each bringing out all that is best, wisest, or funniest in all the others. Those are the golden sessions... when the whole world, and something beyond the world, opens itself to our minds as we talk: and no one has any claim on or any responsibility for another. But all are freedmen and equals as if we had first met an hour ago, while at the same time an affectoin mellowed by the years enfolds us. Life- natural life- has no better gift to give." - C.S. Lewis. I couldn't have said it better myself. After a long day of work, I was pressured to go the the park with the church crew. Okay. My friend needs me! It started out slow but then the game of volleyball started and it was fun! Even if the Guzman brothers were a two man team. Sorry boys, there's no I in team. Anyways. I've been with my friends a lot lately and when I read that quote... I just felt its truth! How I LOVE my friends! We may get on each other's nerves from time to time... But I won't be the same without them. It's one of my favorite quotes I just decided! It's coined so perfectly! I just love summer! I'm exhaustified after all those digs in the sand but... the sun was out late and I had fun :) I like my friends.

Wolverines!!

I woke up at 9 am (two hours earlier than usual) had me some Golden Grahams and browsed through my movie collection. I had nothin better to do in the morning right? I'm looking through my DVDs. Nothin. Okay, I'll look at my good ol' VHS! "Hey dad, where's Red Dawn?" It was right in front of me. Why I felt like watching Red Dawn I have no clue. I'd never seen it and had always wanted to and I guess I was in the mood for once. I mean, Patrick Swayze, Jennifer Grey and Charlie Sheen all in one? That's a good enough reason. I got really into it! Wouldn't take my eyes of the TV. And now that I've seen it, I can conclude that it is one of the best and scariest movies I've seen. Scary simply because an envasion and a World War III doesn't seem too impossible these days. The best because of the Wolverines. The eight teenagers that fought against the powerful enemies to avenge their families and country. And how they were a small group (much like Wolverines- a small but ferocious animal) that rebeled against weapons and forces seemingly greater than they. Well, it got me thinking. What makes me so different than those eight? I fight everyday. No it's not a physical battle waging between nations. This battle is different. And so crucial. I'd like to think that I, like the Wolverines, am a rebel. A rebel by definition is someone who resists or rises against any authority, control, and tradtion. And I do that. Don't you? I rise against lies that tell me I have to look and act and live a certain way. I resist the enemy's tricks to bring me down. And at times, I feel like I am part of a small allegiance, if not alone. But I'm not. Even if it were only God and me- I'd be strong enough simply because of Him. At the end of the movie, only two Wolverines had survived. People fighting for God die daily (they're called martyrs) because they know who they're fighting for. So did the Wolverines. The real war no longer wages between nations. The war is spiritual and it is growing. I will fight to believe that I am who God says I am, capable of defeating the daily battles. I'm a rebel. I am a wolverine. I rise against the traditions placed on me by the world. I rise against the authority that says that I am different and that will burden me. Well, I am different. But it won't burden me. Are you a rebel? "Maybe it's called ambition, you've been talking in your sleep about a dream, we're awakening. I want to wake up kicking and screaming. I want to live like I know what I'm leaving. I want to know that my heart's still beating. It's beating. It's beating. It's beating. I'm bleeding." - Switchfoot, Awakening. I just got tired of feeling defeated all the time. We fight battles when the war has already been won. Still, make it count. The movie just got me thinking. I love movies like that. So, Red Dawn. Watch it!

A book worm revelation.

"...draw near. Nearer still, my son. Do not dare not to dare. Touch me. Smell me. Here are my paws, here is my tail, these are my whiskers. I am a true beast." I guess you would call it a summer tradition, but for the past few summers I stay up at night in bed right before I go to sleep reading The Chronicles of Narnia by the backlight of my iPod. C.S. Lewis would have to be my favorite author (even though I prefere American novella) and the way he writes these books so simply but with so much meaning is what always has me reading them. And usually, I get something different from them everytime. Well, I just finished The Horse and His Boy for the 458794th time before my nap today. And what I got from it this time is: our "situations" and our problems are different in our eyes than they are in God's. Perhaps it's because we're the ones living it. We only see the situation in which we are in. Cursing it, pitying yourself, or wondering "why?" We can't see the grand scheme of things. See... Aslan (yes, I am fully aware I sound like a nerd) had brought Aravis and Shasta together in the story. He had kept coyotes at bay. He had kept Shasta company. He had wounded Aravis. And had kept Shasta warm. He is the one who pushed the boat in which Shasta had layed in as an infant to drift safely to a shore when he was kidnapped. And while Shasta didn't have a good childhood because he was "raised" by a fisherman in a country much different than his own... Aslan had kept him all his life to get him to the point where he is now. Sometimes, we don't understand the purpose of what we go through. We don't even see how there CAN be a purpose in some problems. But then I think about how much more worse it could be. And unbeknown to us... how many unseen angels there are blocking so many more pains than we know. Some is necessary. We have to learn right? But I think before we take for granted our experiences and lessons... we go to God, we DARE to go to him and get to know him so well as to know why things happen for us and how somethings are kept back. Anyways... I highly reccommend any of these books. You learn.

"your eyes are blue like the ocean, baby i'm lost out at sea. did the sun just come out or did you smile at me?" - stephen jerzack, cute as a button. okay. pure honesty here. laaaaayin it on ya. this couple of sentences up there... if a guy were to ever say those to me... i'd basically be putty in his hands. legs get weak. cheeks start to blush. butterflies escape. (and then i'd probably ruin it by a really stupid comeback). just been thinkin about if he exists anymore. ya know... "the one"... "my soul mate" yada yada yada... when i was a youngin, i had just naturally ASSUMED he did. that one day, when i'm older, some cute, brown haired, chivalrous, musically inclined man was going to come in and sweep me off my feet and finally give my stomach some butterflies! and ya know what!?!.... i'm still not older. which is okay. i've got a lot of growin up to do still. but it does get tiring doesn't it? seeing 12 year olds *cough justin beiber cough* getting their hearts broken only to find two weeks later... hey! it wasnt broken at all! it was just a heart burn! no... no. i see people in relationships and i wonder... how am i any different than them? i try not to get caught up in the looks department (emphasis on try). but then... i focus on my personality. somethings wrong with that then... right? and i couldn't possibly be found by any guy when i'm surrounded by so many prettier girls! see how i do that? comparisons are dangerous and i have to fight to stay away from them! but ya know... its not even relationships. i'm not even pursued? at all? no really... AT ALL! i get pretty down hearted. then i feel silly for getting flustered over something like that! that's when i have to stop. and remind myself what a friend told me one time... maybe we haven't found anyone yet because... the guy is simply not ready. and God, who loves me more than every lover has loved another in history combined, simply can't see me live and share my life with someone who wasn't absolutely, completely,and unfathomably, perfect for me. i dont think God wants to see me hurt like that. and when i hurt NOW? well... his arms are the perfect place to run. its like that barlow girl song, average girl: "so what im not your average girl. i dont meet the standards of this world. chasing after boys is not my thing. see, i'm waiting for a wedding ring. no more dating. im just waiting. like sleeping beauty, me price will come for me. no more dating. im just waiting. cause God is writing my love story. "boys are bad"- that's certainly not true. cause God is preparing one for you. if you get tired waiting til he comes, God's arms are the PERFECT place to run!" and that they are :) you cant find warmer, bigger, safer, arms anywhere else. hmmm... writing this really makes me love him :)

Beginning of Everything.

I'm not sure if there has ever been anything so sweet as graduating high school. I'll be honest, I wasn't very good at it. I either tried too hard, didn't try hard enough, or was distracted by things other than school. With that being said, I'm not sad it's over. My best friends are from church. And those best friends from school will always remain in my life! I've just always been older and always working towards something else. Whatever that may be! And that's not always a good thing. Annnnnnyways, I decided that this summer, I'm going to spend as much time as I can with everyone! Lately it's been jacuzzing with Sami YWAMi, but I've got two more months! Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would get to go to college. Even when I thought the door was shut... God had it opened. And it was a weird feeling... making a decision based on what I wanted. Not what would be easy on my family, best for my church and friends. The only thing concerned with my decision was me. And I dont know if I have ever spent that much energy, time, and prayer on myself. So if I only had to learn something from all this it would be that. That and trusting God. That's a biggie no? My faith has never been put to the test so much. I've never trusted this much in my life. And it feels AMAZING! Now I'm just wondering how I've never trusted him like this before. Well, it's all looking ahead anyways. Taking what I've learned, what I've been blessed with, and never forgetting it! All that has been given to me, all that I have done and will do... Glory be to God. Always. 'Til infinity, and beyond.