“Why do they always teach us that it's easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It's the hardest thing in the world--to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage. I mean, what we really want.” -Ayn Rand
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." -ee cummings
I feel as though I have lost sight of what is important in my life... or just life in general. I consider myself beyond blessed to have been able to attend Vanguard for freshman year. I created amazing memories and met even more amazing people. I believe it was necessary for me to see how God works, to find "myself", to learn and to know God in new ways. And leaving was hard... I now believe that it was the fear that I wouldn't come back. While at Vanguard there was nothing I wanted more. I didn't worry about money or how I was going to continue paying. I was just focusing on studying, going to chapel, late night In-N-Out and slurpee runs... But now that I'm NOT there...
I wonder if it is still what I want? The money issues that come with this are just... ridiculous. The stress. All of it. And I'm doing my best to believe that my God is a God of possibilities. And I absolutely believe in living a big life for him!
But what does a big life entail? What is MY purpose for HIS kingdom? I'm trying to figure out His will and... well it is still very difficult. Trying to figure out what I want while lining it up with His will is proving itself almost impossible.
So. I figure I find out what I want first. I love learning. But I don't even know what I want to do. And the bonds that I've made at school are amazing. There are pleanty of people, I know this for a fact, who are wanting and praying for me to come back. I want to go back for them. But there are also opportunities here that I wouldn't mind getting...
I hear people saying I belong at Vanguard... and while I might fit in well, be close with everyone, and love being there... I don't think that it is the only place here for me. I don't want to disappoint my friends at school. But I also don't want to chase after something that causes so much stress and burden. I feel like at school there's more opportunity to figure out what I want and who I'm going to meet and finding a fella. Yes, a fella. But I also don't mind living a simple life. My family's done it for centuries. I know there is a room at my sister and brother-in-laws house that they are willing to give me. They're going to need a babysitter. They don't even live in Lodi, which is a plus... but live in Ione. Around farms and hills and lakes.
What do I want? What does God want me to want? And how much time do I really have to figure this out?
Which brings me back to the first revelation: what matters? Life isn't about achieving that goal (while it is important). Life isn't about leaving to discover who you are (though it helps). And life is not about making a name for yourself (no matter how big your dreams are).
So... I ask the same question that has been repeated since the dawn of time... what is the meaning of life? What is the meaning of MY life? What is God would have me do? Be? Chase? I have a feeling this won't be answered in 6 weeks let alone a day.
(Advice, while not demanded, would be nice :))
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