Okay... so I've been home for over two weeks and this is the first blog I've written. I just haven't had anything to write about.
Even though I turned 19.
Even though I ended my freshmen year.
Left all of my family and great school.
Moved back into the couch in the front room.
Am at Raley's again.
Don't see many people here.
Even though my grandpa got back from being in the hospital and rehab for three months.
And my mom spends her days caring for him and I took on the usual household responsibilities for her as much as I can.
Yeah uh... nothing's changed.
I don't know how it is that things can change drastically once I go 4oo miles north. I realized that this summer will not reflect the summer of my childhoods... or even last year.
I have another payment for freshmen year. Which I'll be paying for with all the money I make this summer. And THEN I can register for classes for fall. Which will take work to get into considering they're all filled up now, most likely. And since I did not get the job in the mailroom like I applied for and interviewed for, I'm not positive of how I'm going to live the next semester. I guess the same way I've been doing for the past 19 years? With prayer, worry and work. I don't understand how some people don't struggle with this and some people don't. It's practically my family's curse! It's hard to fully believe that God is my provider when situations and circumstances keep piling up just like the bills and 'past dues' keep piling up.
He's led me to victory before. And I'm sure he'll do it again. I just know he's going to do it the hard way though...
My grandpa isn't the man he used to be. In his late eighties, time and a life of service and work has caught up with him. Recently I found out that he has post traumatic stress disorder from fighting in Korea. This explains the fears that I notice he lives in. And also my loss of naiveity. This is the grandpa who built me swings, took me to get candy at Martini's Bait & Tackle shop, wasn't afraid to discipline me that one time and always asked questions. To see him like this is an eye-opener. Living in his house there's not much I can do to get away from it. I don't think I should either. Half the time I don't know what to say to him, but I answer his questions anyway. After months of medical issues he is home and has physical therapists to help him. He is on his way to strength again but... I just don't know. After my grandma passed away when I was in 4th grade, he hasn't been the same and neither has his heart.
It's interesting though... to be surrounded by so many different stages of life. The end, the beginning. The middle. The peace, joy and obligations. It reminds me that I'm 19. That the pressures to find the love of my life, my career, my future... are placed on me by a faceless society. I have learned over the past year that there is nothing wrong with walking my path in a stroll. Sometimes I break into a sprint... but I think I'm beginning to discover the important things in life. And that requires a stroll.
If I could, I would live my life in the forest somewhere. Or a beach. Or a meadow. Just be a hermit and live off of the good earth and be in splendor of God's creation as my career... But then I remember that there's a life for me that I have been given and that I can't ignore.
I watched Mulan today, and the Emperor told the captain: "The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all." My mom has told me this in a different light saying to me "Bloom where you're planted." I may not be faced with adversity like others have. But it is there none the less.
I guess the thing about growing up is that you never stop. And I think it's important for me to not forget God in this process... despite how far away he feels...
In other news: my birthday was in April and my amazing friends Jenelle and Cheyenne threw me a surprise birthday picnic. Complete with bubbles, toys, blankets, tons of food, and my favorite people. My whole floor was there. Most of my brother floor. I didn't realized I was that loved. Blew me away! Then the next day Marley and her grandma and mom took me to Sea World. So amazing. It's hard to describe the love I have for all of these people and this school and how they make me feel and what God says to me through it all.
No comments:
Post a Comment