this might as well be about chocolate.

So, I usually don't post writings associating with "romance" or "relationships" or boys... there always seems to be more important things I feel I ought to write about. Hooooowever, simply because I do not write about such subjects (except in my personal, top secret, extreme private, if-I-die-tomorrow-burn-it-immediately journal) does not mean that they are not on my mind or even on my heart.

Because let's face the facts: I am a 19 year old girl. With very relational people for family and friends. Living in a world of Disney princesses, romantic comedies, and hormones. And I have had no (as in zero, zip, zilch, nada, nothing) "experiences of the heart." Not even a date. Unless you count... no that doesn't count. Anywho, with this chain of events, one can't help but wonder a few discouraging thoughts:

1. What is wrong with me?

2. What is wrong with them?

3. Maybe it's this guy....

Welp. After 19 years... Okay, basically the last few months... of much meditation, prayer and searching, I have discovered my explanation, not so much the answers because I'm sure they're different for everyone, to these questions. Plus, and this really is a plus, I have found liberation. So I divulge....

1. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. As far as I'm concerned. I used to think that I had to look a certain way to get anyone, let alone a boy, to talk to me or consider me cool. Haha... high school was lame. Then I discovered the freedom and joy of being me. But not just being me, LIKING me. It's been a long road... okay it's still a long road. But I just think about how my relationships would be fake if I had made myself anyone else but who God made me to be. Look, I know I'm goofy. Or weird. But I make some people laugh... and I really like that! I know I love Jesus waaaaaay too much for some people. But for me, it will never be enough. I know I work too hard and take my school work and work work seriously. I know that the fact that my favorite duo, Simon & Garfunkle, might lead to some teasing. But at least their lyrics mean something. I know that I like to analyze and will often talk about what I found and got out of a certain book or movie... or life. I know that I turn bright red when I laugh too hard. I know that I do not and will never look like a model. Or even the girl next door. But by golly gee I have this light that you can't extinguish. Which explains how I can leave my house without make-up. But nice try. So you see... it took going going away to college to see that the right people will come into my life as long as I'm myself. Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom...

2. There's nothing wrong with them (males). We're all faced with the pressures and expectations of society. We're all walking our paths and we're all stupid from time to time. Sometimes I wonder how women and men belong together what with them being so different from each other... but I guess it's like peanut butter and jelly. Two totally different condiments. But when they are put together... it's magic. I guess that makes God the bread? ANYWHO! Growing up I didn't have very many guy friends... okay I had like two. Give or take. And since I have gone to college and met boys who were not Lodi boys who, as I have been convinced, have lost one too many brain cells, I have found the laughter, joy and insights of being friends, GOOD friends, with guys. Which leads to this....

3. Stop wondering who it is. So, if God sees it fit for me to marry... He's going to bring us together. Because I do not intend on diverting from God's story line for my life. What I'M going to do... is stop worrying about it. And amazingly enough... I have. I do not live my days hoping to impress SOMEBODY. I live my days longingly to express who. Jesus. Is. I hope that I do him justice! And the reason that I have not dated, or extensively flirted, is because I'm just waiting. Until now, it just didn't seem important to date just anyone. Whoever, ifever, God has planned, he is soooooooo going to be worth waiting. Trust me.

And I am not writing this as a way of saying "I will never get married" or "Love isn't a big deal." Because I still want to get married... to fall in love is practically a dream. Because Love IS a big deal. Big deal. The biggest. As far as I know, love is the most beautiful thing God has ever created.
I quote The Notebook (the anthem love movie of girls across the nation): "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds."
Do you know where I find this kind of love? Jesus. These words are practically perfect. I know that it's difficult to let other people love you if you don't love yourself (just, trust me on this one), and it's difficult to love yourself if you don't let God teach you and show you and love you. So really... it all goes back to God.
That's all I'm really looking for. God.
Of course I kinda have a list in my head of what I want. Who I want. And even though it terrifies the living daylights out of me to be so vulnerable and have someone know every aspect of you and still love you, I still want it. I'm not sure how that works. I want someone to make dinner for. And to send cute notes to. And of course, all the nice things to me too :) Yada yada. But, as it holds true in every aspect of life, God knows best.
Liberating.

Anywho. I completeeeeeeeely understand if this blog means nothing to you because you simply cannot understand it. If anyone even reads it! You deserve a Klondike bar if you did...

And I guess all that I'm saying is... I'm just not all that worried anymore. I still might be a saaaaap and hopeless romantic. But... oh well. Hi, I'm Ciara!