I have been coming across beauty lately. Things that remind me of beauty, beauty quotes, a friends blog, yada yada. I've also come across people. Like this one girl who shops at Raley's with her family. She's around my age if not a year younger. And I hold a grudge against her. My mood automatically declines when I have to bag for her. She's never been rude. But she hasnt been ultra friendly either. To be honest I've never really held a conversation with her. But the first time I bagged for her there was this little old lady after her (I also get in a bad mood when I bag for the old lady! Bad, I know! Not proud of it!). And as I'm finishing bagging for the girl, the old lady says: "Wow, isn't she just beautiful?" She says it a few times. And just keeps asking me and my fellow bagger. Okay, what do I say to that? Yes, the girl is very pretty. And as I found out recently, she surfs. From what I can tell she gets along great with her family. Her life is probably just... ideal. She goes to JECHS too. Anyways.
I know it's terrible and ridiculous that I feel this way. That I can't stand her because she's pretty. But it's not just her. Anyone who is obviously beautiful. Right from the start. Maybe it's because I'm jealous. That they get to look like that and I don't. Maybe I'm just substituting my insecurities for resentment.
And ya know... it's hard. It's hard when all of your best friends have always been hit on. Flirted with. Of course I love my best friends! It's the boys in that case who just make me want to gag myself with a spoon.
Even my sisters! Always getting the compliments and whistles. All my life. And I'm tired of trying. Whatever God used to make them he didn't have enough of when he made me.
So he makes up with personality and heart right? Well from what I've seen, those don't matter unless you've got "beauty" to reel the people in.
So. I've come to the conclusion that... I have been viewing everything so... thwarted. Beauty, people, myself. My mind hasn't been functioning right. Maybe because I'm over functioning it. Anyways. I'm very sick and tired of comparisons, self-consciousness, and beating myself up.
Elisabeth Kubler Ross once said, "People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and they shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."
I want to be like that. But how can I when I can't even appreciate beauty anymore? The God-created beauty that's everywhere? When I can't appreciate, none the less see it, in me?
Well. I'm tired of that. I'm tired of what the magazine covers that I stare at all day tell me. I'm tired of what guys DON'T tell me. I'm tired of trying to look a certain way for people. I'm tired of not doing it for me.
"When all this started I asked myself, 'Am I going to withdraw from the world like most people do, or am I going to live?' I decided I am going to live- or atleast try to live- the way I want, with diginity, with courage, with humor, with composure." - Mitch Albom.
I'm going to be happy because I can.
You, my friend, are BEAUIFUL! I want you to take a second and really take that compliment in and accept it. You are a special breed of human! I love you more than words and all that can fully express! :)
ReplyDeletewow wow wow. all i can say is props to you.
ReplyDelete...for being so brave. for being able to come out and admit jealousy..which isn't the prettiest thing to admit. i remember once @ college group for church i said that i struggled with jealousy...and everyone just kind of looked at me. and i felt so embarassed. but it takes a certain kind of bravery to be that transparent.. so i applaud you on that.
AND-- i relate. so much. to this blog.
i cannot tell you how incredibly hopeless i feel when i look at the covers of magazines. like--UGH! right...so i'm supposed to live up to some bleached blonde barbie with air-brushed skin!? pft. it is incredibly lame that the world should even place a label on what beauty IS. how cheap. ....look, i've been told i'm pretty and blah blah blah...but nothing can take away that pang of falling short when i see all the so called "beauty" around me.
all i can say is never doubt your beauty..
no matter what the world says about it.
i remember when i read captivating there was a part that said that EVERY WOMAN IS BEAUTIFUL. and i was like..wow. it's not something i might or might not be...it's my RIGHT as a woman to be beautiful. it's the right that God gave me. and no cheap money making magazine can take that away.
so, what i've come to realize is that we all just have a different and unique beauty that is our own. it's not that she's pretty and you're not. NO. you my friend are one of the most beautiful people i know. and to me beauty has a lot more to do with how welcomed and captivated i am in your presence than how perfect and white your smile is. (sorry i'm not shallow..?) i would rather hang with you all day than miss perfect JECHS girl.
so when she comes thru your line again i pray you won't be intimidated.. but instead realize that you have a completely different yet just as amazing beauty as she does. i still have moments of doubt, but i always try to bring my beauty to God. and He looks past everything and sees true beauty. which is something you definitely have. and that is worth far far more. <3
Your comment was a blog in itself Ash haha. And I love you for it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know your right. And I also know that it's going to take... more than one run to get that right. Then a lot more runs for me to do instantaniously.
It's my right as a woman. I love that!!!
I love you guys. Thank you for making my point bigger and brighter! Much like you make my life! xoxo!