Oh hey, life.

So as I sit here with five weeks until I leave and two weeks until I must have...everything...paid, life continues to be... mmmmmmm life. Stress is just creeping into all of the crevices of my mind and won't seem to leave me alone. I haven't stressed like this in a while. Gosh, I forgot how blasted terrible it is.



I found out today that my parents, my little sister and I have to be moved out of our town house by the 31st. (Uhm, stress #1). I'm glad that we have my grandpa's to go to. But it's just another change that came at a point where all this other change was happening and I feel like I just can't deal with it. I'll be sleeping on my matress in the front living room for three weeks while my sister sleeps on the hide-away couch. Sigh... Two weeks. Yet, life will continue being what it is. I will still need to be getting to work (did I mention his house is in the country? Thankfully in the right direction of Raley's). Which leads me to...



Stress #2. I am officially the lamest and most untraditional 18-year-old in history. I have yet to obtain a license, let alone a permit, let alone a CA ID! Why... I don't know. Mostly because it seems pointless (there's no way in the world I can afford a car right now) and because it just keeps getting shoved to the bottom of my to-do list. Which leads me to be reminded that I still need to buy a bicycle to transport myself around Costa Mesa and to the beach as often as I can. I'm going to need the salty water, salty air, warm sand, and strong sun. Especially on days like this.



Whiiiiich leads me to stress #3. I have finished all of the financial aid papers that I know of. Thumbs up for that. But I still need approximately $3,000 to get me to where I want to be more than anything right now. It's too late to get another loan (thanks to the school that didn't let me know the official amount I oew until a couple of days ago). Which means... I will more than likely be asking my granddad for the money I need. That will be the most difficult thing I'll ever have to do. How to you ask someone for that? How do you repay them back? He's helped my parents through SOOO much and has given so much to us financially and spiritually... How can I ask him to help me? It seems selfish. And... I'm afraid I'll get an "I-told-you-so" because who really thought I could afford a $38,000 university. Yeeeeeah. Even if my grandparents are so excited and proud of me. I'm afraid they won't be once they know I need their help. I know that when push comes to shove, God will give me the courage, kindness, and words to confront them. And will humble me. Not that I've ever had much. I've just never needed something from someone so desperately and significantly.



So. Among other things that don't need to be mention because their near-constant in my life...
This is my mind at the moment. What's weighing on my heart.

I don't know if it's worry, fear, stress. I've even been reading my Bible everynight- because I want to! Shouldn't something be happening? Not just within me and for my character... But something so evident in my life? It may seem selfish but... I just want something miraculous and good to happen. Is that so bad? For once?

Sami (I LOVE YOU!) said to me not in these exact words: that life may be hard right now because something good is about to happen. And the enemy wants to bring you down before you get there.

If that be the case... sigh... I'm not giving up. Nooooope nope nope.

"And what I need, I know. But I'm about to lose control. I need a break, but I'd rather have a breakthrough. I'm losing my sleep running after you. But still I'd rather have a break through. So I dont stop making moves. I need a break but I'd rather have a breakthrough. I'm tripping on hurdles running after you. I can see it, right at my finger tips. Isn't it classic?
I've been battling so many years. And I've stood up to many fears. "Keep the faith!" This I know. But I'm about to lose control.
Oh. I dont know anymore. What am I waiting for? I know I'm giving it all I have. I want to give up so bad. How come I keep on running? I feel it coming on."- The Rocket Summer. This has been my life song for a few months now.

God will remain faithful. And I hate the feeling of knowing that I didn't believe when he clearly had everything worked out for me already. So I guess the only choice right now is to believe. And gee whiz that's what I'm going to do! The enemy isn't going to shake my confidence. I will be brave. I will be courageous. Even if I have to say it over and over to convince myself!

Besides, as Corrie Ten Boom once said: "Worry is a cycle of inefficent thoughts whirling around a center of fear."
Yes Corrie I believe you are correct.