To the infinite all finites are equal.

Save Me by The Rocket Summer

I'm not feeling touch
I'm not making that much
But I guess I am blessed
But sometimes it's just hard to see it as such

I'm stuck and alone in the traffic lines
While couples in love in the H.O.V fly by
I don't get it
I'm not asking for much
But everyone wants to just have something

So i'll be picking me up
Breaking me down
I was lost was i found
I want to feel everything
When everything feels wrong with me
Take a look
Imbrace yourself
Everybody wants to make it count

Save me! Cause I could never float sinking
Amaze me! And I would be there holding on for life

.........

And I could tell
From the picture, I could feel I was sinking
Pull me out and bring me back to life
The colors that my eyes had never seen...
Well i can see them now.

You know those artists/bands that have so often said the words you couldn't find? Okay. Maybe not. But it happens. Ex: Bryce Avery. Sometimes I just need to listen to his songs and they remind me of.... well a lot. That I need to believe. That I can't do this without God. That I need to be amazed by Him right now. The list goes on.

"And all I have is all of me. And it's all that I can give. Our disappointed hearts will heal. Our hearts will spill. Over you. Over me. Over this." - All of Me.
I would probably post the vast majority of his songs RIGHT NOW. But you should just listen to them. Run to You, Hold It Up, So, in this hour..., Show Me Everything You've Got, You Gotta Believe, Nothing Matters, I Need a Break... But I'd Rather Have a Breakthrough (<--- always that one). Along with The Rocket Summer's God-given musical and lyricist abilities, Mark Batterson's writing and insights from God have been a great deal of help as well. In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day is all about surviving and thriving when opportunity roars. The title is taken from the often skipped over (I've never heard of it) story of Benaiah in 2 Samuel 23: 20-21. I won't give summary of the book (I'm on chapter three anyways). But the main idea is being a lion chaser. To understand that: 1. Read the verses. Then 2. Read the book. I would, however, like to share some quotes, simply to show where I'm at (and I'll explain).

"I wish I could tell you that every lion chase ends with a lion skin hanging on the wall, but it doesn't. The dot-com dreamer is successful beyond his wildest dreams, but the guy with political aspirations lost the election. However, both of them are lion chasers in my book. What sets lion chasers apart isn't the outcome. It's the courage to chase God-sized dreams. Lion chasers don't let their fears or doubts keep them from doing what God has called them to do" (page 16).

Whew. Can I just say how strongly that struck a cord with me? And it was only the first chapter! Well. I'll begin. As time is winding down to August 21st- the day of moving into my new dorm, my new school, my new town, my new life- I can again feel the pressure. The stress. Of: "How am I going to get the $3,000 I need?" "What if this just crashes in the end?" "What if He just takes it all away?" Silly things such as those. Not so silly when you're living them though right? Right. They're actually quote antogonizing. It's when everything is fine and hunky-dory that they seem silly. I haven't felt silly in a while. There have been... countless hurdles to get to where I am now (and I'm not even at school yet). I can't imagine the other's coming up.
I know, I know. "How can someone who is a believer doubt so much?" Well, I don't know. Maybe because I'm used to disappointment. I'm used to things going wrong or thing's not happening at all. I'm used to being jaded. I'm used up. But something in me is making sure I don't stop. Maybe because I've come this far and it would be idiotic, pointless, and inconceivable I suppose to have gotten this far and NOT keep going. Because God has opened countless doors. And I am always thankful for them. But I'm always wondering: "What about the next door? It's not done. What next?!" It's hard for me to take one step at a time when I constantly look at the big picture. I'm tired of disappointments. I learn for them, yes. But It's high time I put what I learn to use.

To have faith. To take risks. To believe that my God is NOT going to disappoint. My situations might. People will. Heck, I'll disapoint myself. Nice. I just revealed that to myself while writing this. Neato.

"You can have a sense of destiny because you know that God has considered every contingency in your life, and He always has your best interest at heart. And that sense of destiny rooted in the sovereignty of God, helps you pray the unthinkable and attempt the impossible" (page 30).

And...

"Whenever I counsel someone who is wrestling with discerning the will of God, I remind them of this simple truth: God wants you to get where God wants you to go more than you want to get where God wants you to go. He is always working behind the scence, engineering our circumstances and setting us up for success" (page 30).

God wants ME to overcome. He wants to see me conquer my giants and my lions. He knows things will happen that will be difficult (understatement, no?). But He knows why they're there and how they're going to help. Like any father, He wants to see me succeed and He wants to be proud of me.
Because when I do, that's when his glory shines the most! When I come against impossible odds... he loves that! Because he gets to do the most miraculous work in my life! "Give me your biggest dreams and let me shine in them!" He says to me. All glory will go to God forever. Simply knowing that God loves that I'm the underdog is comforting. That he likes that. No, he doesn't like to see me in pain and fear. But he likes to see me take chances that will show how cosmically phenomenal he is!

I know this is all over the place. I'm just trying to decipher any kind of sense from the going-ons in my brain and heart this past week or so.

I'm scared. Yes. After putting so much of myself into this not being guaranteed that where I want to be is where I'm going is terrifying. I can imagine myself the day I discover that... I can't go. Or, I'm not meant to go. I may be devasted. Doesn't mean that God won't do something. In fact, he has a plan for that.
But... I can also see myself coming against all the voices that say: no one in my familys done this before, the economy won't allow this, my financial situations are going to stop this, this is naive. It's ridiculous.
Okay. So, even if it is (It's not! We're talking about my dreams here!)... who cares! How many people have set a goal or dreamt a dream and never had the guts to chase it? "No guts, no glory." Not my glory. His.

Father God, I'm sorry when I doubt. I'm sorry when I get mad at you and ask "Why?" You always have a way of bringing me back to believing even when I'm on "empty." Thank you for never giving up on me and always believing in me (even when I don't believe in myself)! I know you have a plan. I also know that I don't know the plan. And God, let me know that I'm on the right track. I love you endlessly!!

If you read that... I love you!