Sure am glad my only followers are my bffs.

So... I was listening to some fan-made Josh Groban videos (he was on Glee and I just wanted to listen!) And I was listening to Don't Give Up. And the video had all these pictures of Jesus and how he's always there for us and loves us. And I almost broke down. Not gonna lie. How can he love me so much when I am and feel like a terrible person? People think that I always have it together. That I am just... Such a great worker, daughter, student, blah blah blah. Ugh. It's impossible to do anything less than what is expected because it's out of the ordinary. But you know what? I'm not perfect! No matter how hard I try to be and how hard I try to please EVERYONE... It's not. Going. To. Happen. I have been facing my flaws so much lately. They're literally SCREAMING at me. This won't happen because I'm like this. Or that happened because of something I did. I feel like I can't be... Completed. Or blessed. Because I am just so messed up and have so many issues.

And yet.

Jesus still loves me? He still died for me? He won't take that back even with the countless mistakes I make? God still gives me good days? Still implants joy in me?

There was a time I simply accepted this (read Sami's blog). When I had faith like a child. When I simply basked in how much God loves me. Now I'm wondering "Why? How?" He's still going to be there for me. When I blame him. When I get mad at him. When I don't thank him. I feel like a terrible person simply writing this! Gah... Facing yourself is hard work. I would like to quote my dear friend Bryce Avary now (The Rocket Summer):

"Just a calendar day
It's funny how things can stay the same
but then drastically change
Some things seem so close on some days but still so far away

Don't know the right things to do
In fact, I dont have a clue
Sometimes I feel like a tool
And I want to be truthfully true to you
And do all the things that you do

But when I hate everything about the mean things that I say
Feels like I mess up so much and I can only say:
"I hate everything about my ways"
But you tell me I'm okay
And one day, one day I know you'll say
You'll say

"B, I'm so glad you made it"
"Oh, well, Jesus thank you so much for saying that"
Because the truth you know is that I have just been
Hating so many things I do
But now I realize forever: that you're my friend
No matter what you will never leave me to fend
I don't know much, but I know we will be
Happy as a 1950's TV family
Except times infinity.

Two calendar days
And still my life is the same
And other people's have changed
I wonder if I'm too late
All the time's that I said I would just wait?
And yeah does anyone care?
About us here or anywhere?
Well, I just want to try and dare to be there, to care
Cause I know, I know that's rare

But when I hate everything about the mean things that I say
Feels like I mess up so much and I can only say:
"I hate everything about my ways"
But you tell me I'm okay
And one day, one day I know you'll say

"B, I'm so glad you made it"
"Oh, well, Jesus thank you so much for saying that"
Cause the truth you know is that I have just been
Hating so many things I do
But now I realize forever, that you're my friend
No matter what you will never leave me to fend
I dont know much but I know we will be
Happy as a 1950's TV family
Except times infinity"

TV Family- The Rocket Summer

I've spent all my life simply trying. I've never been exceedingly talented in one area. But I always, ALWAYS tried my hardest. In everything. Especially the things that I wanted and cared about. And I will always spend my life trying. Trying to find something I don't have to simply TRY at. I don't know what it's here for. And I don't know what it means.
But I don't think I try hard enough to be better. And what I mean by that is... I try to be better... to be a "Good Person"... In other people's eyes. How do I try to be better for God? When I hate all the mean things that I say?
Hi, life? Yes. It's me. Take it easy... okay?

I love knowing that he still loves me. Even if I can't always feel it. I am loved. And he's going to take care of me. Despite my funk. Despite my inability to understand everything. He still loves me. And is constantly carrying me. Like... my mind cannot fathom how much he loves me. It's overwhelming.

I need to read my Bible more.

If anyone read this but you two... Well, that'd be weird!