I can't even begin to describe the amount and intensity of joy I have right now. Vanguard is such an AMAZING place! Literally, it's pointless for me to shave my legs in the morning because I get goosebumps constantly. The Holy Ghost is EVERYWHERE! From the professors, to the students, to the leaders, to the polite boys that go here, to the hibiscus' and palm trees on campus, to the fantastic cafeteria food. And of course to my amazing 6th floor sisters and 6th floor brothers in huntington. I just... It's awe inspiring that God has placed a school like this in a beautiful city, has allowed me to attend, and has placed such passion and care and love in the professors.
I have made great friends who all believe what I do (basically) who all have stories of who they were and how they got here.
I JUST LOVE VANGUARD!!!!!!!!!!
God, THANK YOU!! I know that it's only day 6 but everyday I feel your hand placing me here. And everyday I feel the enemy trying to get me down. And everyday I rely on you more and more!! And I feel like there was a PURPOSE that I was placed on THIS floor. With the theme being "A Timeless Beauty"....You're telling me something. And I am SO ready to became who YOU created ME to be as long as it means I get more and know more of YOU!!!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket...
So here I sit, 11:3 PM, in my gramps' kitchen at the table with my hoodie on slippers on. If I look out to my right I can see possibly every star in the sky. Oh, not really essential to what I want to say, but the other night I was sitting on top of the hay bales... maybe 20 feet high? And laying down looking at the stars. I'm not sure what I was looking for. Maybe a sign or something. Some answers. But it wasn't time for that. It was time to just be in awe of all of God's masterpiece! It's hard to wrap my head around really! But I'm laying there, looking at a star, and suddenly... NO JOKE!...it starts moving! Down! It is LITERALLY a falling star! It was one of the weirdest things. It's going exceedingly fast through a bunch of other stars then just disappears. It was wonderous. Then I saw some shooting stars which always take my breath away. Let me just say... Moving out to my grandpa's hasn't been easy. There's six of us. Two bathrooms, but one shower. Three bedrooms- yeah, that's fun! I'm living out of my tubs and duffle bags since I don't want to have to repack in a week and a half. I get woken up every morning at 6:30 by my little sister leaving for school. Yaaay. But... it's also been fun. I've spent a lot of time with my big brother whom is one of the best big brothers in the world! He's done and is doing a lot for me! This laptop I'm typing on is his. My niece and nephews and I have had pleanty of adventures here already. For instance, there's this old, creepy barn across the field filled with owls and pigeons that we like to discover. I'm pretty sure it's trespassing but... they haven't gotten us yet! Muahaha! And it really is nice being away from it all. Seeing as how soon my life will do a back flip... the stars and tires on the freeway everynight is really... peaceful.
I haven't posted anything in a while because, though things have been changing, it was difficult getting them into words. I could barely digest it for ME and to have the rest of the world see them would take some time. Well. I'm back. And this change is one of the most difficult, confusing, and most beautiful things that I can experience with God.
I thought that if I simply got through trusting God to get the rest of tuition paid, my lesson would be over. All the other trust exercises would be easy peasy lemon squeezy!
Dead. Wrong.
Trusting him that I will simply be OK down there. That this college won't be like high school (which was brutal). That for once in my life I will fill like I finally belong somewhere. I broke down tonight and admitted to God that I... was... scared! Don't get me wrong. I'm stoked! I'm sure I will have a blast down there! Once I get used to the change. I'm moving 400 miles away from the only town I've ever lived in. From my family. From my best friends. From my job. From... my comforts. This whole thing... is me... stepping out of that comfort zone. Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus lives... and he's holding out his hand. Wow... thanks Third Day for the lyrics that came out of nowhere... But the lyrics are right.
"But the waves are calling out my name and he laughs at me. Reminding of all the times I've tried before and failed. And the giants keep on telling me time and time again... You can never win. You can never win! But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story. The Voice of Truth says DO NOT BE AFRAID! And the Voice of Truth says this is for my glory! Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth."
I'm not sure if that's all correct. It's what I know by memory! And ya know... the lyrics are right. I don't need to be afraid! I've never been this scared of anything in my life! I've never had the opportunity to be this scared! And yet... through all of my long long 18 years of life (ha!) I have always had this spot light on strength and courage. I dont know why! It's just ALWAYS been that. And now I'm finally beginning to use it. I dont know where my next step is. Vanguard is dream #1. Ther are more to follow... Even if I'm not sure as to what they are. I have a general idea... and sometimes that's not good enough for me. But... God will let me know when he decides it's the right time. It's on to level two of trusting God... it's such a beautiful thing too :)
One more thing! Maybe. Probably. Anyways... tonight I went to a youth group from Mars Hill. A new church in Galt. And it reminded me of my sophomore year. Which was possibly the best and worst year of my life. I was ON FIIIIIIIIRE for God that year! I was serving like my life depended on it and praying wherever someone needed praying! It was no problem! I was living for God PASSIONATELY! I'm just wondering where that zeal went? I'm a leader. That much I know. I'm not sure how to use it yet or where to put it towards. But it's there. And I accept it. Anyways... I realized tonight that I want that passion, fire and zeal again! I want that paireal! It's time to take living for God to a whole new level. Because I've found that without him... everything's kinda meaningless... :)
I haven't posted anything in a while because, though things have been changing, it was difficult getting them into words. I could barely digest it for ME and to have the rest of the world see them would take some time. Well. I'm back. And this change is one of the most difficult, confusing, and most beautiful things that I can experience with God.
I thought that if I simply got through trusting God to get the rest of tuition paid, my lesson would be over. All the other trust exercises would be easy peasy lemon squeezy!
Dead. Wrong.
Trusting him that I will simply be OK down there. That this college won't be like high school (which was brutal). That for once in my life I will fill like I finally belong somewhere. I broke down tonight and admitted to God that I... was... scared! Don't get me wrong. I'm stoked! I'm sure I will have a blast down there! Once I get used to the change. I'm moving 400 miles away from the only town I've ever lived in. From my family. From my best friends. From my job. From... my comforts. This whole thing... is me... stepping out of that comfort zone. Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus lives... and he's holding out his hand. Wow... thanks Third Day for the lyrics that came out of nowhere... But the lyrics are right.
"But the waves are calling out my name and he laughs at me. Reminding of all the times I've tried before and failed. And the giants keep on telling me time and time again... You can never win. You can never win! But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story. The Voice of Truth says DO NOT BE AFRAID! And the Voice of Truth says this is for my glory! Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth."
I'm not sure if that's all correct. It's what I know by memory! And ya know... the lyrics are right. I don't need to be afraid! I've never been this scared of anything in my life! I've never had the opportunity to be this scared! And yet... through all of my long long 18 years of life (ha!) I have always had this spot light on strength and courage. I dont know why! It's just ALWAYS been that. And now I'm finally beginning to use it. I dont know where my next step is. Vanguard is dream #1. Ther are more to follow... Even if I'm not sure as to what they are. I have a general idea... and sometimes that's not good enough for me. But... God will let me know when he decides it's the right time. It's on to level two of trusting God... it's such a beautiful thing too :)
One more thing! Maybe. Probably. Anyways... tonight I went to a youth group from Mars Hill. A new church in Galt. And it reminded me of my sophomore year. Which was possibly the best and worst year of my life. I was ON FIIIIIIIIRE for God that year! I was serving like my life depended on it and praying wherever someone needed praying! It was no problem! I was living for God PASSIONATELY! I'm just wondering where that zeal went? I'm a leader. That much I know. I'm not sure how to use it yet or where to put it towards. But it's there. And I accept it. Anyways... I realized tonight that I want that passion, fire and zeal again! I want that paireal! It's time to take living for God to a whole new level. Because I've found that without him... everything's kinda meaningless... :)
Sunday, July 25, 2010
It's not my place to ask 'why?'
I'm so glad that I can say that I whole heartedly believed that God has everything in his hands. And that I can trust him. And he always HAS been working behind the scenes of my life. Interwoving and cross stitching people and events into my life that may seem irrelevant to me, but end up making a huge difference at one point or another. He gave Ernest W. Bergthold the financial savvy and blessings throughout his lifetime. He became the father of a son. Who became my father. So when it was time for me to chase a dream, to have the guts to put all my trust in God and his plan, I was able to be blessed by a Grandfather who lived a humble life, enabling me to go to college and take my part in God's plan. Thank you, Bopa.
He has made everything beautiful in it's time. He has also set eternity in the heart of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV.
Whenever I look at a verse on biblegateway, I almost always look up The Message version, I'm not sure as to why, but it always puts a different spin on things:
But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I've had a good look at what God has given us to do- busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time- but he's left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's coming or going. I've decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That's it- eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift. Ecclesiastes 3:11 The Message.
I don't know why God has decided to bless me so much. Maybe it's to make up for my sophomore year, maybe to teach me ANOTHER lesson... But then I realized. It's not my place to ask. I'm sure I could get some answers... But I'm just going to accept it, keep on going, and see in what other ways God wants to prove himself to in my life. Even when bad things happen... I ask why. I've asked God why... probably a lot more than should be expected. But with bad things... God always has a way of making it beautiful- in it's time. Looking back on sophomore year: it was terrible. School wise anyways. At church I was on fire! I was serving God three days a week, getting more and more, learning what I can. At school... I was doing anything I could to be an evangelist. A preacher. A Jesus Freak. At first... It didn't phase me. Going into sophomore year I knew I was gonna get some heat (that summer camp had blown me away). And boy, did I get HEAT. Wearing my "Jesus is Lord" shirt at least once a week. Reading my Bible and doing devotions for youth group at lunch and SSR. Putting...haha...putting tracts on people's desk in my math class telling them about how Jesus can save them. Inviting people to every church event I could. Seriously... I got weird looks and mean comments. And so... for the rest of high school I looked at sophomore year as my worst year ever (my grades slipped because I was at church so much..oops! Lesson learned). But... looking back... Maybe it wasn't my worst year. My flesh wants to believe it was. My worldly self wants to tell me it was. But... I was working my best for the Kingdom. I learned SO much. I was fifteen. I wasn't doing normal fifteen year old stuff. So at that time... I didn't know that what I was doing was going to make me look back and think: "In time, that was beautiful." Because 3 years ago I was scared out of my mind. Now.. Haha. I grew a lot. It was preparing me for more than I know. It just proves another amazing trait about God. He works so intricately.
I was also proven another amazing work of God this morning. An old family friend of ours at church, George, spoke to me this morning. I planned on it being a simple, light, "Hey, how's it goin'?" Kind of thing. But God has a way of using the simple things. Lately I've been thinking that I'm nothin special, if one person thinks I'm great then it's just that one person, yada yada just down on myself. It's a sob story not worth telling... Anyways. George, who has seen me grow up, was talking to me about school. And reminded me about who I am. That I have a great personality, I'm going to do so well at college, that he cracks up at all my facebook posts... just stuff that makes you feel good inside ya know? But what got me was when he said: "And I'm not the only one who thinks that. Don't listen to the lies of the enemy..."
.....:O WHAT?! How did he KNOW?! At first I just thanked him and gave him a hug. Told him I needed it. But on the way home I realized... Wait... that's like... what's been going through my mind all week. God really spoke to him and through him. It was incredible. I love it when he does that.
Anyways. I've learned more lessons in this past year... Shoot, past six months, than I know what to do with. Ha. I need to take inventory. Well... they're all getting me ready for something.
"And their answers lie in a setting sun. And the reasons why will remain unknown. 'Cause we live our lives 'til we come undone. We just have to believe..."- Ben Jelen, Setting of the Sun (beautiful violin solo! Look it up!)
There was quite a bit of wind today. A nice, warm breeze on a pretty mild day. And the sun's reflecting off of the pool, through the trees, and onto the kitchen floor. And it looks like the sun rays are dancing. Quite the sight if I say so myself. It's the picture of summer.
My life, while not as easy as I may make it sound... is good. Because God is good. And even through all this my family and myself are going through... I, some how, am happy. No no no, joyous. That runs deep. You keep that through everything (hopefully).
I really just needed to write all the things that have been filed in my brain down. Whew...
He has made everything beautiful in it's time. He has also set eternity in the heart of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV.
Whenever I look at a verse on biblegateway, I almost always look up The Message version, I'm not sure as to why, but it always puts a different spin on things:
But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I've had a good look at what God has given us to do- busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time- but he's left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's coming or going. I've decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That's it- eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift. Ecclesiastes 3:11 The Message.
I don't know why God has decided to bless me so much. Maybe it's to make up for my sophomore year, maybe to teach me ANOTHER lesson... But then I realized. It's not my place to ask. I'm sure I could get some answers... But I'm just going to accept it, keep on going, and see in what other ways God wants to prove himself to in my life. Even when bad things happen... I ask why. I've asked God why... probably a lot more than should be expected. But with bad things... God always has a way of making it beautiful- in it's time. Looking back on sophomore year: it was terrible. School wise anyways. At church I was on fire! I was serving God three days a week, getting more and more, learning what I can. At school... I was doing anything I could to be an evangelist. A preacher. A Jesus Freak. At first... It didn't phase me. Going into sophomore year I knew I was gonna get some heat (that summer camp had blown me away). And boy, did I get HEAT. Wearing my "Jesus is Lord" shirt at least once a week. Reading my Bible and doing devotions for youth group at lunch and SSR. Putting...haha...putting tracts on people's desk in my math class telling them about how Jesus can save them. Inviting people to every church event I could. Seriously... I got weird looks and mean comments. And so... for the rest of high school I looked at sophomore year as my worst year ever (my grades slipped because I was at church so much..oops! Lesson learned). But... looking back... Maybe it wasn't my worst year. My flesh wants to believe it was. My worldly self wants to tell me it was. But... I was working my best for the Kingdom. I learned SO much. I was fifteen. I wasn't doing normal fifteen year old stuff. So at that time... I didn't know that what I was doing was going to make me look back and think: "In time, that was beautiful." Because 3 years ago I was scared out of my mind. Now.. Haha. I grew a lot. It was preparing me for more than I know. It just proves another amazing trait about God. He works so intricately.
I was also proven another amazing work of God this morning. An old family friend of ours at church, George, spoke to me this morning. I planned on it being a simple, light, "Hey, how's it goin'?" Kind of thing. But God has a way of using the simple things. Lately I've been thinking that I'm nothin special, if one person thinks I'm great then it's just that one person, yada yada just down on myself. It's a sob story not worth telling... Anyways. George, who has seen me grow up, was talking to me about school. And reminded me about who I am. That I have a great personality, I'm going to do so well at college, that he cracks up at all my facebook posts... just stuff that makes you feel good inside ya know? But what got me was when he said: "And I'm not the only one who thinks that. Don't listen to the lies of the enemy..."
.....:O WHAT?! How did he KNOW?! At first I just thanked him and gave him a hug. Told him I needed it. But on the way home I realized... Wait... that's like... what's been going through my mind all week. God really spoke to him and through him. It was incredible. I love it when he does that.
Anyways. I've learned more lessons in this past year... Shoot, past six months, than I know what to do with. Ha. I need to take inventory. Well... they're all getting me ready for something.
"And their answers lie in a setting sun. And the reasons why will remain unknown. 'Cause we live our lives 'til we come undone. We just have to believe..."- Ben Jelen, Setting of the Sun (beautiful violin solo! Look it up!)
There was quite a bit of wind today. A nice, warm breeze on a pretty mild day. And the sun's reflecting off of the pool, through the trees, and onto the kitchen floor. And it looks like the sun rays are dancing. Quite the sight if I say so myself. It's the picture of summer.
My life, while not as easy as I may make it sound... is good. Because God is good. And even through all this my family and myself are going through... I, some how, am happy. No no no, joyous. That runs deep. You keep that through everything (hopefully).
I really just needed to write all the things that have been filed in my brain down. Whew...
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Oh hey, life.
So as I sit here with five weeks until I leave and two weeks until I must have...everything...paid, life continues to be... mmmmmmm life. Stress is just creeping into all of the crevices of my mind and won't seem to leave me alone. I haven't stressed like this in a while. Gosh, I forgot how blasted terrible it is.
I found out today that my parents, my little sister and I have to be moved out of our town house by the 31st. (Uhm, stress #1). I'm glad that we have my grandpa's to go to. But it's just another change that came at a point where all this other change was happening and I feel like I just can't deal with it. I'll be sleeping on my matress in the front living room for three weeks while my sister sleeps on the hide-away couch. Sigh... Two weeks. Yet, life will continue being what it is. I will still need to be getting to work (did I mention his house is in the country? Thankfully in the right direction of Raley's). Which leads me to...
Stress #2. I am officially the lamest and most untraditional 18-year-old in history. I have yet to obtain a license, let alone a permit, let alone a CA ID! Why... I don't know. Mostly because it seems pointless (there's no way in the world I can afford a car right now) and because it just keeps getting shoved to the bottom of my to-do list. Which leads me to be reminded that I still need to buy a bicycle to transport myself around Costa Mesa and to the beach as often as I can. I'm going to need the salty water, salty air, warm sand, and strong sun. Especially on days like this.
Whiiiiich leads me to stress #3. I have finished all of the financial aid papers that I know of. Thumbs up for that. But I still need approximately $3,000 to get me to where I want to be more than anything right now. It's too late to get another loan (thanks to the school that didn't let me know the official amount I oew until a couple of days ago). Which means... I will more than likely be asking my granddad for the money I need. That will be the most difficult thing I'll ever have to do. How to you ask someone for that? How do you repay them back? He's helped my parents through SOOO much and has given so much to us financially and spiritually... How can I ask him to help me? It seems selfish. And... I'm afraid I'll get an "I-told-you-so" because who really thought I could afford a $38,000 university. Yeeeeeah. Even if my grandparents are so excited and proud of me. I'm afraid they won't be once they know I need their help. I know that when push comes to shove, God will give me the courage, kindness, and words to confront them. And will humble me. Not that I've ever had much. I've just never needed something from someone so desperately and significantly.
So. Among other things that don't need to be mention because their near-constant in my life...
This is my mind at the moment. What's weighing on my heart.
I don't know if it's worry, fear, stress. I've even been reading my Bible everynight- because I want to! Shouldn't something be happening? Not just within me and for my character... But something so evident in my life? It may seem selfish but... I just want something miraculous and good to happen. Is that so bad? For once?
Sami (I LOVE YOU!) said to me not in these exact words: that life may be hard right now because something good is about to happen. And the enemy wants to bring you down before you get there.
If that be the case... sigh... I'm not giving up. Nooooope nope nope.
"And what I need, I know. But I'm about to lose control. I need a break, but I'd rather have a breakthrough. I'm losing my sleep running after you. But still I'd rather have a break through. So I dont stop making moves. I need a break but I'd rather have a breakthrough. I'm tripping on hurdles running after you. I can see it, right at my finger tips. Isn't it classic?
I've been battling so many years. And I've stood up to many fears. "Keep the faith!" This I know. But I'm about to lose control.
Oh. I dont know anymore. What am I waiting for? I know I'm giving it all I have. I want to give up so bad. How come I keep on running? I feel it coming on."- The Rocket Summer. This has been my life song for a few months now.
God will remain faithful. And I hate the feeling of knowing that I didn't believe when he clearly had everything worked out for me already. So I guess the only choice right now is to believe. And gee whiz that's what I'm going to do! The enemy isn't going to shake my confidence. I will be brave. I will be courageous. Even if I have to say it over and over to convince myself!
Besides, as Corrie Ten Boom once said: "Worry is a cycle of inefficent thoughts whirling around a center of fear."
Yes Corrie I believe you are correct.
I found out today that my parents, my little sister and I have to be moved out of our town house by the 31st. (Uhm, stress #1). I'm glad that we have my grandpa's to go to. But it's just another change that came at a point where all this other change was happening and I feel like I just can't deal with it. I'll be sleeping on my matress in the front living room for three weeks while my sister sleeps on the hide-away couch. Sigh... Two weeks. Yet, life will continue being what it is. I will still need to be getting to work (did I mention his house is in the country? Thankfully in the right direction of Raley's). Which leads me to...
Stress #2. I am officially the lamest and most untraditional 18-year-old in history. I have yet to obtain a license, let alone a permit, let alone a CA ID! Why... I don't know. Mostly because it seems pointless (there's no way in the world I can afford a car right now) and because it just keeps getting shoved to the bottom of my to-do list. Which leads me to be reminded that I still need to buy a bicycle to transport myself around Costa Mesa and to the beach as often as I can. I'm going to need the salty water, salty air, warm sand, and strong sun. Especially on days like this.
Whiiiiich leads me to stress #3. I have finished all of the financial aid papers that I know of. Thumbs up for that. But I still need approximately $3,000 to get me to where I want to be more than anything right now. It's too late to get another loan (thanks to the school that didn't let me know the official amount I oew until a couple of days ago). Which means... I will more than likely be asking my granddad for the money I need. That will be the most difficult thing I'll ever have to do. How to you ask someone for that? How do you repay them back? He's helped my parents through SOOO much and has given so much to us financially and spiritually... How can I ask him to help me? It seems selfish. And... I'm afraid I'll get an "I-told-you-so" because who really thought I could afford a $38,000 university. Yeeeeeah. Even if my grandparents are so excited and proud of me. I'm afraid they won't be once they know I need their help. I know that when push comes to shove, God will give me the courage, kindness, and words to confront them. And will humble me. Not that I've ever had much. I've just never needed something from someone so desperately and significantly.
So. Among other things that don't need to be mention because their near-constant in my life...
This is my mind at the moment. What's weighing on my heart.
I don't know if it's worry, fear, stress. I've even been reading my Bible everynight- because I want to! Shouldn't something be happening? Not just within me and for my character... But something so evident in my life? It may seem selfish but... I just want something miraculous and good to happen. Is that so bad? For once?
Sami (I LOVE YOU!) said to me not in these exact words: that life may be hard right now because something good is about to happen. And the enemy wants to bring you down before you get there.
If that be the case... sigh... I'm not giving up. Nooooope nope nope.
"And what I need, I know. But I'm about to lose control. I need a break, but I'd rather have a breakthrough. I'm losing my sleep running after you. But still I'd rather have a break through. So I dont stop making moves. I need a break but I'd rather have a breakthrough. I'm tripping on hurdles running after you. I can see it, right at my finger tips. Isn't it classic?
I've been battling so many years. And I've stood up to many fears. "Keep the faith!" This I know. But I'm about to lose control.
Oh. I dont know anymore. What am I waiting for? I know I'm giving it all I have. I want to give up so bad. How come I keep on running? I feel it coming on."- The Rocket Summer. This has been my life song for a few months now.
God will remain faithful. And I hate the feeling of knowing that I didn't believe when he clearly had everything worked out for me already. So I guess the only choice right now is to believe. And gee whiz that's what I'm going to do! The enemy isn't going to shake my confidence. I will be brave. I will be courageous. Even if I have to say it over and over to convince myself!
Besides, as Corrie Ten Boom once said: "Worry is a cycle of inefficent thoughts whirling around a center of fear."
Yes Corrie I believe you are correct.
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