Butterflies

Upon writing again, I've realized how much I have left undocumented. Especially in this semester which has been the most challenging time of my life. But it's also been the most revealing. Last September, my best friend Samantha, while still in Hawaii, had sent me a text saying:

My dear Ciara I was praying for you and as I did I asked God what’s your heart for Ciara? And he told me oh how I love my dear Ciara. And I asked again and I got an image of a butterfly. And I thought about how you were like a caterpillar in a cocoon, and I had the privilege of watching you graduate and grow tremendously over summer. And how you became a beautiful butterfly in front of my very eyes but you haven’t seen yourself as one yet. And God wants you to see that you have become so amazing and he delights in you so much he even giggles when he talks about you! So I said God if this butterfly thing is really from you and you want me to tell her, show me a butterfly. (I haven’t seen one in Hawaii since I’ve been here) and I looked around and there was no butterfly. And just as I picked up my phone to text you a memory verse I wrote earlier I saw a butterfly fly by!!! Oh precious Ciara, God loves you so much!!

Of course this is something you have to save! And it hit home. Now everytime I see a butterfly (which isn't often) I'm reminded of those words and how much God loves me and finds me beautiful. My floor's theme is "Timeless Beauty." In the beginning of the semester the school had this week called "Just As You Are Week" for all of the freshmen girls- no makeup, no hair doing, no mirrors even. It wasn't that hard for me to do those things (probably because it meant more sleep!) but the chapels and talks with the floor were the best parts. I learned a lot. So all of this just goes together. Well, a couple weeks ago at a worship chapel called Shine, my friend and floormate Annie pulled me aside to talk. I thought that she wanted to talk to me about her. Nope. She wanted to talk to me about me. And she began to talk to me about beauty I didn't know I had. About how God sees me, and how that's the Ciara He wants me to see. And how she, and the other girls on our floor, just want me to see the beauty. And how she sees me just walking along this path with God... and I'm making him laugh. Because "that's who He has made me to be." So she prayed for me. And I prayed too. I didn't know where to begin. I mean, how are you supposed to know? It's a strange feeling going your whole life feeling like the ugly duckling, then having be revealed that it's simply not true. You wonder, "Am I allowed to think this?" Or at least I did. So I let God just begin to work. And work he has. I'm not sure how, but I just FEEL different.

This past Wednesday, at Shine again, my floormate Lisa was just rubbing my back during worship and prayer. There was nothing particularly bothering me. I was just talking with God and she was rubbing my back. But on Thursday night she had told me that she was actually praying that I would see my beauty. Which of course is so sweet (by the way- these girls are gorgeous. Seriously.) But here's the kicker- hours before she had told me about her secret prayer, I had been walking to the mailboxes and to get lunch when I saw by the parking lot, a butterfly. And orange and black butterfly. Monarch most likely but I'm not exactly a conisseur of butterflies!

See how God works? I was amazed. It took me a second to connect it too but wow. God is so faithful!

they get going...

Two posts in one day. Yeah, I don't joke around. It seems to me that when the going gets tough, Ciara sits down and writes.
1. Getting spread too thin, pulled in different directions. 2. Being a best friend to everyone.

I assume you can understand how those two correlate? Because I most definitely can. I know that God has given me an ability to get along with a wide range of people. I genuinely take interest in all of them. But it causes rifts between people. And that's when it gets hard and it feels like your being pulled in all different directions and would rather just rather roll into a ball in the middle of all of it and just be by yourself. There are times, like this, where I'd be okay if I died. Where I can just be in heaven and be at peace.

I took a color code quiz the other day. And I got green (it was all pretty even but I had more green). And green is the peace maker. I didn't see it coming and neither did my friend. She thought it'd be yellow (which was second). But it's amazing how accurate it was. I want peace. All the time. I don't get into tense situations with friends. It doesn't happen. I avoid conflict at all cost and would rather take the blame for everything. Just as long as someone isn't upset with me. Just as long as I didn't hurt them. It's tough.

Long time no write?

The wayward daughter returns... to her blog. People aren't kidding when they spout the typical college cliches. I'm tired, busy, would rather just sleep and eat when I'm not studying and stay up much too late when I have 8 am classes... everyday.
Well, the reason I'm here again is because of an affirmation. Yes, Katie, I mean you. Lately I have been on a yo-yo of decisions concerning my major. And I have come to the point where I have the deepest sort of peace, I guess, about majoring in English with a concentration in creative writing. In the beginning, when God created my journey of college, I was pretty set on a communications major in journalism. Now that I have taken a comm. class, I can see that it's just not gonna work out. It's too technical for me. I am not saying that this class, intro to interpersonal communications, isn't helpful- because it is! I'm learning a lot! But I just don't have that fire in my belly when I'm in that class. However, when I'm in my researched writing class I get excited and hopeful! I wan't to get out there and start doing things. And I'm not even fond of researched writing. I got my first paper back on Wednesday, anxious of what I got. I trust myself in my writing skills... this was different though. It was research... it is an upper classman class. It was my first one. I got a B on my paper (which was on Human Trafficking). There weren't technical errors and he said it was well and clearly written. I just needed to develope my thesis more. Whew. What a relief! I thought that if I got anything but an A, I'd be discouraged and start wondering whether I really wanted to be a writer. But that didn't happen... I think if you love something well enough you'll get over the hurdles and obstacles and discouragements that go before you. George Lucas taught me that...
Plus, a major in English means... more books! Oh sweet mother of matrimony, YES! If I don't have a book to analyze, I start analyzing MY life until all that's in my head is a jumbled kind of ridiculousness (not a word?). And we do not want that. So, I'm excited for that. I just like having things figured out and settled... But things rarely ever are.

It's amazing. The freshmen are in the process of getting housing settled for next year (hello AC?) and while I should be pulling my hair out or having a heart attack from the stress that comes with this, I'm not. I think I've experienced so many trust lessons over the past year that I know I'll be okay, whatever the outcome. Psalm 36:5 God's faithfulness reaches to the skies (aka- it doesn't end)... a kind of relief right? Duh. So, despite the fact that I need to pay a down payment of $300 by March 22 (praise the Lord for tax refunds!), and that I need to have my roommate situation sorted out by the end of the month, and that I need to start finding/applying for loans for next semester... I have a deep, deep peace. I thought, that after freshman year, the lessons of trust in God would get easier. That was false. They don't get easier, I just understand why I can and should trust God. The more I know him the more I LONG to trust him. Which makes trusting God my first reaction to situations (hopefully...)

I wish I could talk about EVERYTHING that God is doing, what Vanguard is like, about the amazing friends I've made, about all the late nights studying...

But I guess I can only sum up in saying... I love it. Truly.

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. -Douglas Adams

The end of a book.

I remember posting a blog a while back about the book I was reading, Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller. I had stopped reading it after that. I was half way through but school started getting stressful and I started getting busier and I just didn't have time to read it. But lately I've been in this.... thoughtful state. I get kind of quiet. Not upset... just thinking.

And so I started reading the book again less than a week ago.
And I just finished it. I think I understand why I had to finish it NOW. Why I stopped and why I picked it up again.
God spoke so much through that book. I mean, it was going to happen considering it IS about finding God and beauty on the open road...
But I just needed to read about it. I needed to hear Donald Miller say it. I was sitting in my bed today for an hour and a half (my bed is really high, so it was like a nest). And I had to stop. And write down my thoughts. Then I literally just felt God love me! It was almost tangible! I couldn't help but smile and I had this feeling in my chest and my stomach.
I figure that's what being in love feels like.

This book is number two on my list. It is THAT good. Please read it. I'm trying to find Blue Like Jazz so I can start reading that one...

Today has just been a peaceful day. While I felt upset at some points and down on myself... I just stopped. I listened to Mumford and Sons... Picked up this book... and just emersed myself in the way I get myself to God's presence. He knows what strings to pull at.

This book got me thinking too: about the need for accumulation of "stuff." Donald Miller and Paul Harris lived out of Paul's Volkswagen van for 3 months. Except for the occasional stay at friends' houses. And his perspective on life and God changed so drastically. He experienced beauty.

I'm going to try to experience it. For myself. I decided that I'm not going to wear makeup anymore (aside from special occasions). I'm not going to worry about how I look. Isn't my heart so much more important? I figure that while I'm learning to love myself, I'll have the ability to love God even more. And love people more for that matter. And if I can do that without any masks... I consider that an accomplishment.

So far here... I'm learning a lot more than just the Civil War, who wrote the New Testament, or different belief systems in different cultures. I'm learning almost everything over again ya know? I realized about a month back that I really didn't know anything. So I abandoned what I thought I knew before- and let God reknew my mind, spirit, and heart from scratch.

I'll figure things out in time. And if I don't... that's okay. Life's meant to be enjoyed and marveled at.

Please read the book!! You'll be glad you did!